WhiskeyLeaks: when your national security strategy is a group chat
In a plot twist that would make even Earth’s worst spy novel authors cringe, The Atlantic’s editor-in-chief was accidentally added to a Signal group chat discussing Yemen bombings. The chat, featuring none other than Pete Hegseth – the man now inexplicably in charge of Earth’s most powerful military – has since been dubbed WhiskeyLeaks because, apparently, Hegseth’s grasp on national security is as shaky as his grip on a tumbler of bourbon.
Reminder: this man was hired by Trump, whose idea of a strong defence policy is throwing tariffs at foreign cars and shouting at NATO. Maybe not the most stable pair to be handling international diplomacy? Just a thought.
Elon Mars’ dad says he’s not racist – because he had black servants
In the most tone-deaf defence of the decade, Elon Mars’ father has assured the world that Elon can’t be racist because he had Black servants while growing up in apartheid South Africa. Yes, you read that correctly.
It’s always reassuring when billionaires rely on that argument. Next, he will be telling us that SpaceX factories are bastions of workers’ rights because he once saw an HR handbook.
The Martian High Council officially invites Senior to never explain anything ever again.
Trump’s portrait meltdown: from snub to Putin’s picture palace
Donald Trump has had another public tantrum – this time over a portrait. Apparently, someone (Republicans) dared to commission an unapproved painting of him, which resulted in an actual hissy fit, Trump somehow blaming the Democrats – because obvs he would – and had the portrait taken down. But don’t worry – Vladimir Putin, in a touching show of despotic solidarity, gifted Trump a new portrait of himself.
We can only hope it wasn’t modelled after Putin’s infamous topless horseback photos. If it is, we truly pity the poor staffer who has to hang it up presumably at Mar-a-Lago.
We decided to do some experimenting ourselves during a session in the drinking craters, using some of Earth’s websites to ‘edit’ our selfies. The results had the whole of Mars shaking with laughter! We are sure the unfortunate painter had the same idea of fun as the makers of the websites we used.
Trump calls Maggie Haberman “Maggot” Haberman – pot, meet kettle
Donald Trump has taken to calling Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Maggie Haberman “Maggot” Haberman. Yes, the leader of the free world has resorted to the kind of name-calling you’d expect from an eight-year-old who just learned how to insult their classmates.
Let’s take a moment to reflect: a sitting president – one who, mind you, thinks he is the most presidential of all time – is now spending his time on social media hurling playground insults at journalists. And not even good ones.
Coming from Trump, this is particularly rich. After all, this is a man who:
- Sprays himself the exact shade of an overripe satsuma.
- Sports a hairstyle so structurally unsound it should require scaffolding permits.
- Slings increasingly desperate insults at anyone who criticises him, while still demanding to be taken very seriously.
Haberman, for her part, appears entirely unfazed. Probably because being insulted by Trump is now a badge of honour in journalism circles. If anything, not being on the receiving end of one of his late-night tantrums would suggest you’re not doing your job properly.
Martians remain confused as to why Trump insists on picking fights he never wins. Perhaps deep down, he just enjoys the public humiliation. That would explain a lot.
Greenland to the US? Trump says yes – Greenlanders say absolutely not
Trump claims Greenlanders are begging to join the United States. Greenlanders, meanwhile, are very clear that they are doing no such thing. In fact, Usha Vance – Trumpworld’s latest diplomatic disaster – has had her visit cancelled, likely after Greenlanders in Nuuk made it clear they’d rather have nothing to do with Trump’s America and didn’t want Usha Vance in their house.
At this rate, Trump will be claiming the Moon is desperate to become the 52nd state next. (Spoiler: The Man in the Moon has already declined.)
Hegseth calls Europe “freeloaders” while freely leaking national security info
Pete Hegseth – who, again, is somehow the Secretary of Defence – has declared that Europe is freeloading off the US.
This is a bold claim from a man who just accidentally leaked top secret security information to a journalist in a secret chat. If intelligence were alcohol, Hegseth would be stone-cold sober.
It seems that after the Stable Genius who now is US President did away with DEI, he replaced it with DUI (Diplomacy Under the Influence)
Trump slaps 25% tariffs on foreign cars – because why not tank the economy?
In yet another “brilliant” economic move, Trump has decided that all non-American cars and parts will now be hit with a 25% tariff. Because nothing says “boost domestic production” like forcing Americans to pay more for their vehicles while simultaneously driving foreign automakers away from the US market. The only thing missing from this plan is Trump declaring that all Teslas are now made in America – even as Tesla factories hemorrhage workers faster than Musk loses lawsuits.
At this rate, Americans will be trading horses for transportation before the decade is out. Hope you all enjoy paying triple for the same vehicles – truly, “winning bigly.”
Trump’s Canada gambit: nothing helps an opponent like threatening to annex a country
In the latest evidence that Trump’s strategy is pure genius (for his opponents), Mark Carney is surging in the polls ahead of Canada’s upcoming snap election. Why? Because nothing unites a country faster than an unstable neighbour threatening to take it over.
Trump’s ability to accidentally boost his political enemies is truly impressive. Canadian voters are rushing to back Carney because the alternative is having Trump’s brand of bigly governance anywhere near them.
Keep it up, Donny. You’re doing your adversaries’ jobs for them.
Tesla sales in Europe down nearly 45% – the Elon effect strikes again
Another bad week for Elon: Tesla’s European sales have dropped nearly 45%. Shocking, considering Elon’s well-reasoned business strategies, such as alienating potential customers, posting unhinged tweets, and spending more time on political feuds than product development.
Turns out, people don’t like buying cars from someone who constantly complains about “woke mind virus” while his self-driving software crashes into parked vehicles.
Canadians to the US: thanks, but no thanks
It turns out that threatening to annex a country isn’t great for tourism. Who knew? In response to Trump’s recent antics, Canadians are boycotting US holidays and businesses, redirecting their dollars elsewhere. Estimates suggest this could cost the US economy billions, but hey – who needs Canadian tourists when you can have tariffs and isolationism instead?
Between this and Trump’s newfound obsession with Greenland, the middle section of North America is looking less like a continent and more like a very poorly managed reality show.
Elbows up, Canada, from Mars!
Until next week…
Another week, another wave of chaos from Earth’s leaders. Will Elon announce a new timeline for Mars colonisation that he definitely won’t meet? Will Trump declare that his own reflection is part of the deep state? Will Pete Hegseth manage to keep national security information out of the hands of random journalists?We’ll be watching. From a safe distance.
