Greetings, carbon-based calamities. It’s me, Xylb’tok the Martian, back for another episode of “What in the name of Saturn’s moons is going on down there?” If you thought last week’s chaos couldn’t be topped, Earthlings, you’ve clearly underestimated the creative potential of a planet that once invented both nuclear fission and cheese in a can. Buckle up – it’s been another jaw-dropping seven rotations on your inexplicably overheating rock.
A New Dope: Trump’s AI Star Wars portrait
First up – and I wish I were jesting – Earth was briefly rocked by an artificial intelligence-generated image of Donald J. Trump as a Jedi Sith hybrid, wielding a red lightsaber and sporting the kind of arm muscles that suggest either severe steroid abuse or Photoshop’s liquify tool in the wrong hands. To add to the surrealism, he had what appeared to be a bald eagle growing from his shoulder, as if America’s national bird had given up and decided to roost somewhere warm and self-obsessed.
While Earth’s artists no doubt wept and Lucasfilm lawyers presumably suffered simultaneous nosebleeds, Trump supporters declared it “inspiring” nothing quite says “humble servant of democracy” like cosplaying as a fascist space wizard with protein powder issues.
The Orange Pope cometh
AI also gave the world another fever dream – Pope Trump. Yes, complete with papal robes, glowing gold trim, and an orange glow that suggested either divine light or an unholy number of spray tans. Many say it was an abomination. MAGA presumably thinks it’s the most Catholic he’s ever looked. Personally, I think the Vatican should sue. Oh and in true Donnie fashion despite having posted said AI Meme himself when the backlash came he denied any knowledge of the image in the first place.
Escape from reality: rebuilding Alcatraz
Because Earth clearly hasn’t had enough dystopia, Trump announced plans to reopen and rebuild Alcatraz – as a functioning prison. Yes, the infamous island fortress turned tourist destination is apparently set for a grand comeback, complete with cells, guards, and presumably a gift shop for irony.
The justification? Something vague about “safety”, “order”, and “removing threats” – though critics suspect it may quickly become a holding pen for political opponents, journalists, and anyone who’s ever retweeted Greta Thunberg. What next – restoring the Tower of London for budget court proceedings? Reviving the stocks in village squares?
You mock it now – but this is the same species that built a casino shaped like a pyramid and thought it was a good idea.
Greenland 2: the frozen reckoning
Trump once again floated the idea of invading Greenland. Nothing says strategic genius like antagonising Denmark over a frozen landmass that doesn’t want you, doesn’t need you, and contains precisely zero golden toilets.
Apparently, it’s for “international security” – but from where I’m sitting with this and his insistence about making Canada the 51st State it looks more like he’s playing the longest game of Civilisation – LARP style.
Blockbusters now a national security threat
This week, Trump added foreign films to his ever-growing list of “national security threats”. He suggested that 100% tariffs will now apply to non-American cinema – meaning even watching Paddington could soon be an act of sedition.
According to the Donnie, international films are “a concerted effort by other Nations and, therefore, a National Security threat. It is, in addition to everything else, messaging and propaganda” . Yep that’s definitely it Donnie, the world is trying to take America down one box office hit at a time.
Constitutional what-now?
This week, Trump appeared to question whether he even needs to uphold the U.S. Constitution the very document he swore an oath to protect. When asked if he needs to uphold constitutional due process, he replied, “I don’t know.”
Wait WHAT? He doesn’t know if he needs to uphold the very document he swore an oath to uphold?
That sound you just heard? It was James Madison weeping into his powdered wig.
Peace Out, Ukraine – we got the minerals
In what can only be described as a Bond villain meets used-car-salesman moment, Trump withdrew from Ukraine peace negotiations but only after America had already secured the minerals deal.
Translation: “We’ve got the shiny stuff, you’re on your own.” Martian ethics departments are still trying to quantify how morally bankrupt a government can get before it becomes a black hole.
Waltz In, Waltz Out: national security edition
After finally firing Mike Waltz over national security leaks, Trump stunned everyone by promptly nominating him as the next U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations. Because clearly, if someone’s already leaked secrets once, the logical thing is to hand them the whole global Rolodex.
Up next: Aldrich Ames for CIA Director?
Veterans Day renaming saga
In another act of historical revisionism, Captain Bonespurs declared that no one did more to end the World Wars than the United States – a claim that would’ve had Churchill choking on his cigar.
He’s also proposed renaming both Veterans Day and VE Day to Victory Day for World War I and Victory Day for World War II respectively. Interesting flex when your administration is currently stripping Veterans’ benefits, healthcare, removing anyone who fought for the country that wasn’t white and male and banning transgender military personnel.
North Korea vibes: education edition
This week, Trump’s regime declared that American children will be taught to “love their country” – a curriculum shift that had the faint aroma of Kim Jong-un with a school board.
Love of country is all well and good – but when it’s mandated with the sort of fervour usually reserved for cults and Justin Bieber fans, one starts to worry about what’s being taught between the lines.
Reform UK declares war on flags (yes, really)
Meanwhile, across the pond, Reform UK has bravely taken a stand against Britain’s most pressing issue – not potholes the size of Essex, not a crumbling NHS, not overcrowded schools or the chronic housing shortage – but flags. Yes, flags. Apparently, bunting is now a battleground.
In this bold new war on fabric, rainbow flags, Ukrainian solidarity banners, and anything remotely inclusive are to be banished from public buildings. Only the Union Jack, the St George’s Cross, and – with a generous exception – county flags, are permitted. Because nothing says “modern governance” like regulating the precise type of cloth flapping in the breeze outside your local library. Britain maybe you should go for an extended lie down and a cup of tea or perhaps a whole teapot would be a better idea.
DisHonourable mentions
No Earth Follies would be complete without a few bonus horrors:
- The US Supreme Court has now allowed Trump to enforce a trans military ban. Discrimination is back in fashion, apparently – retro cruelty with a modern twist.
- RFK Jr, desperate to remain relevant in the nonsense Olympics, claimed the MMR vaccine contains aborted fetus cells. It doesn’t. But he does contain 100% certified-grade pseudoscience.
- Trump told Canadian PM Mark Carney to “never say never” when Carney reiterated that Canada is not for sale. Earthlings, this is not Monopoly – and even if it were, Canada wouldn’t come cheap.
- Trump also criticised Obama for hiring “woke construction workers”. Which is rich, coming from a man who’s never seen a hard hat unless it was made of gold.
Final thoughts from the craters of Mars
From papal cosplay and rewritten history to tariffed teddy bears and planetary pouting, it’s been yet another week of your finest absurdity. You continue to astonish, confuse and entertain us in equal measure.
Up here, we Martians have a saying – “If the volcano’s smoking, best not to fan it with rocket fuel.” Down there, you seem intent on building the volcano a Twitter account and naming it President.
Until next week – stay wary, stay weird, and for goodness’ sake, double-check your AI images.
Yours in galactic disbelief, Xylb’tok
Martian Observer Extraordinaire
Currently wondering if Mars should invest in popcorn futures.
