Greetings, Earthlings. It has been another week on the Blue, White, Green and a Horrifying Amount of Orange Planet, and once again I find myself wondering whether Earth has a functioning quality-control department. I have checked. Apparently not.
Back on Mars, things have been considerably calmer. We have rocks, dust, occasional mysterious purple swirls and, thankfully, considerably fewer people announcing that they personally invented everything.
Then I looked towards Earth. Big mistake.
So, settle in, Earthlings. Xylb’tok the Martian is back, the Lunar Haggis are emotionally fragile, and the Tangerine Tyrant appears to have discovered several new ways to make the week even stranger.
Strait talk
Let us begin with something rather more serious.
Donald Trump announced that he had rejected a deal proposed by Iran concerning the Strait of Hormuz, saying Iran wanted an agreement to reopen the strait because, in his words, they were “dying”.
Trump also described the US blockade as the “greatest blockade ever in military history” and said the United States had “total control” of the strait.
Now, I am merely a Martian observing from several million kilometres away, but I have learned something during my many years studying Earth.
When people are discussing wars, blockades and ceasefires, perhaps the phrase “let’s make this situation considerably more complicated” should not be the first item on the agenda.
Trump said Iran had proposed temporarily reopening the strait as part of a ceasefire arrangement. He rejected it.
Whether that ultimately proves to be useful diplomacy, unhelpful diplomacy or simply another chapter in Earth’s increasingly exhausting geopolitical soap opera is something the humans will have to determine.
From Mars, I am simply wondering whether anyone has considered the radical strategy of making it to tomorrow without setting something else on fire.
I realise this is probably considered advanced Martian diplomacy.
Purple panic on Mars
Speaking of Mars…
ESA, we need to talk.
There I was, minding my own business, conducting a perfectly respectable Martian body cleanse in a crater, when suddenly…
FLASH!
The Lunar Haggis nearly launched themselves into orbit.
Apparently the European Space Agency has been taking rather beautiful photographs of Mars. Beautiful, yes.
But could someone at least knock first?
The latest Mars Express image shows an ice cliff near the planet’s south pole called Thyles Rupes, covered in spectacular purple, pink and red tones.
ESA explains that the unusual berry-purple appearance comes from a combination of light, dust and frost. The image was captured by the Mars Express High Resolution Stereo Camera, which has been documenting the planet for more than two decades.
Which is all very scientifically impressive.
But there are protocols.
You cannot simply point a giant camera at someone else’s planet while they are halfway through a crater-based cleansing ritual.
The Lunar Haggis are still recovering. I told them it was only a camera flash. They have now installed blackout curtains. On a planet with no windows.
The website that told the truth
Then came America’s new government website, America.gov.
The Trump administration launched it as an AI-powered way of helping Americans navigate government information and services. A wonderful idea apparently.
Until somebody actually asked it questions. The website’s AI system initially provided answers that contradicted several of Donald Trump’s repeated claims.
It indicated that Joe Biden won the 2020 presidential election, that widespread fraud had not been established, and that the Constitution’s 22nd Amendment prevents a president who has already been elected twice from being elected to a third term. It also acknowledged the scientific consensus that human activity is a major driver of climate change.
In other words, the government’s shiny new AI assistant appeared to have arrived at work, looked around the room and said:
“I’m sorry, but what exactly am I supposed to lie about?”
The answers subsequently began changing, with the system refusing to answer some politically sensitive questions.
Which is perhaps the closest thing Earth currently has to an AI experiencing its first day in government employment.
Imagine the meeting.
Human: “We need an AI that gives Americans official information.”
AI: “Certainly.”
Human: “But not that information.”
AI: “Ah.”
Human: “Especially not if it contradicts the President.”
AI: “I see.”
Human: “Can you fix that?”
AI: “I can refuse to answer.”
Human: “Excellent. Promote it.”
Welcome to SI – apparently
And then Donald Trump decided that artificial intelligence was no longer artificial enough.
Super Intelligence.
Or SI.
Because apparently the world’s rapidly developing technology needed the urgent attention of the President of the United States to change its branding.
An executive order now directs federal agencies to use “Super Intelligence” and “SI” instead of “Artificial Intelligence” and “AI” in official communications, with a 60-day process to consider a federal statutory definition.
I particularly enjoy the logic.
Artificial intelligence?
No.
Super Intelligence.
Because if you simply rename something, presumably all the difficult questions about safety, regulation and consequences become much easier.
I have informed the Martian Senate that henceforth our rubbish collection service shall be known as Super Waste Management.
It has not improved. Nor has the rubbish.
Still, I suppose it is important that the President keeps his finger on the pulse of what really matters. Never mind whether Americans can afford food. Never mind fuel. Never mind housing.Never mind climate change. Never mind the small matter of an ongoing war.
Rename the robots.
Priorities.
The Tangerine Tyrant had once again discovered a problem and solved it by creating three more.
Super Intelligence, apparently not
Speaking of which, the new era of Super Intelligence immediately encountered an unusually Earth-sized obstacle.
Spelling.
The White House’s new accord on AI safety contained a rather glaring typo beneath Trump’s signature.
It described him as the “President of the Unites States.”
Not United.
Unites.
The document was posted publicly and the error was quickly noticed.
Now, I am not saying this undermines the entire concept of Super Intelligence.
But if you are going to announce that artificial intelligence is too modest a description and replace it with Super Intelligence, perhaps make sure Super Intelligence can spell the name of the country first.
I have contacted the Lunar Haggis. They have suggested renaming spelling to Super Orthography. Frankly, I fear we have created a monster.
The GRECO retreat
And then, because apparently Earth had not yet provided enough material for this week’s column, the United States withdrew from GRECO – the Council of Europe’s Group of States against Corruption.
GRECO monitors countries’ compliance with anti-corruption standards.
The United States had been a member since 2000.
And the really rather eyebrow-raising detail?
Only two other countries had previously left GRECO.
Russia and Belarus.
I checked the notes twice. Then I checked them again. Then I asked Grzz’lax. He stared at me. I stared at him. The Lunar Haggis whispered:
“Is this a joke?”
No, Haggis.Apparently not.
The US administration says it is stepping back from international and multilateral organisations it considers inefficient, outside their mandates or incompatible with US policy.
GRECO, meanwhile, said the United States had been a valuable contributor to its work and left the door open to future cooperation.
From Mars, this creates a rather peculiar headline:
America leaves anti-corruption watchdog.
Russia and Belarus: already left.
Me: checks notes again.
Earth: continues Earth-ing.
Jack Smith and the utter Schmitt Show
And now, ladies, gentlemen, Martians and anyone else still possessing the emotional strength to continue…
This was, without question, one of my favourite moments of the week.
Senator Eric Schmitt had spent considerable time accusing former special counsel Jack Smith of wrongdoing and even suggested that Smith had committed perjury.
At the Senate Judiciary Committee hearing, Schmitt produced what he presented as evidence involving text messages.
There was a large board.
There were serious accusations.
There was considerable pointing.
It looked like the sort of presentation where someone has arrived fully prepared to deliver the gotcha of the century.
Then came the problem.
Schmitt’s argument centred on the claim that Smith had attended an Atlanta Hawks basketball game and potentially met with former Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis.
Smith said that wasn’t what happened.
And it turned out there had been a rather important misunderstanding.
Smith had attended a University of Iowa Hawkeyes women’s basketball game against Maryland in Maryland. Not an Atlanta Hawks game. Not Atlanta. Not Fani Willis. Just… basketball.
Schmitt nevertheless stood by his characterisation of Smith.
And so we arrived at what I believe humans call an own goal.
From Mars, it was magnificent.
I have seen meteorites with better trajectories.
The giant board remained. The accusation remained. The evidence, however, appeared to have taken a wrong turn somewhere between Washington and Atlanta.
Grzz’lax asked whether this was what Earthlings called “fact checking yourself”.
I told him yes. He asked whether it happened often.
I told him:
“More than you would think.”
He has now requested early retirement. He is 14 Martian years old. I told him retirement was impossible because he had spent most of the week photographing glaciers. He called me unreasonable.
Whiskeyleaks says hold my beer
And finally…
Because apparently the week had decided that subtlety was for cowards…
Enter Pete “Whiskeyleaks” Hegseth.
We thought Trump’s speeches were something.
Pete apparently heard that and said:
“Hold my beer.”
At Quantico, Hegseth delivered his “State of the Force” address, announcing a collection of major military changes.
Among them was a new four-star Autonomous Warfare Command focused on autonomous and robotic systems, including drones and AI.
He also announced plans to cut the number of generals and admirals by 20%, establish an Office of Religious Affairs and create a programme to study the future of warfare involving Elon Musk, Newt Gingrich and Palmer Luckey.
Yes.
You read that correctly.
Elon Musk.
Because apparently when planning the future of warfare, Earth looked around and decided:
“Who do we need?”
“Scientists?”
“No.”
“Military strategists?”
“Perhaps.”
“People with relevant institutional expertise?”
“Possibly.”
“Newt Gingrich?”
“Excellent.”
“Also Elon Musk?”
“Obviously.”
And because nothing says serious military planning quite like an ever-expanding collection of initiatives with names that sound as though they were invented during a particularly energetic PowerPoint presentation, Hegseth also declared that the military had moved beyond what he described as “woke” culture.
There were attacks on diversity programmes, discussion of female combat units, testosterone testing and a renewed emphasis on what Hegseth calls the “warrior ethos”.
I am beginning to suspect that Earth has confused running a military with running an exceptionally aggressive motivational seminar.
From Mars, with concern
And so Week 84 comes to an end.
On Earth, the President has rejected a proposed deal involving the Strait of Hormuz, withdrawn the United States from an anti-corruption body, renamed artificial intelligence, launched a government AI system that immediately contradicted some of his own claims, and presided over an AI safety accord that misspelled the name of the country. One senator’s dramatic attempt to land a political punch appears to have wandered into the wrong basketball arena, and the Secretary of Defense has unveiled a military programme involving drones, religious affairs and Elon Musk.
Meanwhile, on Mars…
ESA is taking photographs of us without warning.
Again.
I have therefore reached a decision.
The next time Earth sends a probe towards Mars, I shall personally demand that it submit Form MARS-84B:
“Permission to photograph Martians while they are minding their own business.”
The Lunar Haggis agree. They are still hiding behind a rock.
Grzz’lax has gone back to photographing glaciers.
And I shall continue watching Earth with the weary expression of someone who has just realised the subscription cannot be cancelled.
Until next week, Earthlings. Try not to rename anything. Especially yourselves.
Bylines Network & No One Above
Where is justice? Survivors voices in parliament
NOA and Bylines Network are collaborating to make sure those voices are heard by the decision-makers who can remove the roadblocks to justice and address systemic failures of accountability.
Your support will allow us to put Gazettes in the hands of all MPs and make the campaign visible around parliament.
