Greetings, Earthlings. It has been another extraordinarily calm and entirely normal week on your little blue planet. I say “calm” in the same way that a Martian might describe being sucked into a black hole as “a slightly brisk journey”.
Donald Trump has been busy again, and this week has brought us a magnificent combination of banned journalists, missing microphones, threatened fish, vaccine rearrangement, a new television channel, a rather familiar Greenland agreement, a militarised triumphal arch, an increasingly lengthy speech from JD Vance and, finally, the discovery that apparently the United Nations has been secretly operating a school-style marking system.
Naturally, I have questions.
Lots of them.
No mics, no problem… oh wait
Let us begin with what may be my favourite accidental comedy of the week.
Friday began with Trump announcing that CNN, MS NOW and Politico were being banned from the White House, accusing the outlets of what he described as “fake news” and threatening further action against other media organisations.
Because apparently the best way to deal with journalists you don’t like is to stop letting them through the door.
Simple.
Elegant.
Entirely predictable.
Then came the deliciously awkward consequence. Unfortunately for Donald, there was a tiny flaw in the plan (isn’t there always). The White House press pool exists for a reason.
No press pool means fewer cameras. Fewer cameras means fewer microphones.
And fewer microphones means fewer opportunities for the President to stand in front of one and explain what he thinks everyone else is doing wrong.
This was, from a Martian perspective, magnificent. The man who has spent years demanding that everyone listen to him had somehow managed to ban the people holding the microphones. Genius.
Trump had effectively discovered the presidential equivalent of cutting off your nose to spite your face – except the nose was a microphone.
Earthlings, this is what Martians call operational irony.
You have removed the people whose job it is to record what you say and then discovered that fewer people are recording what you say. There is a joke in there somewhere, but I fear it may be too obvious even for me.
Then, on Thursday morning, a federal judge ordered the ban lifted.
So that little experiment lasted approximately long enough to demonstrate the importance of microphones. The Tangerine Tyrant had once again discovered a problem and solved it by creating three more.
I have called this Premature De-Miculation.
Don’t touch the fish Donold
Having dealt with the troublesome business of journalists, President Fanta apparently decided that the next group requiring presidential attention was…
Fish.
At a White House dinner on Friday, Trump announced that he could ban fishing simply because he has the power to do so.
Yes.
Fishing.
The activity involving fish.
And hooks.
And people standing beside water.
Apparently the enormous powers of the American presidency are now being measured in how many fish you can prevent a bloke in a bucket hat from catching.
This is leadership, allegedly. Forget the economy. Forget foreign policy. Somewhere, a trout is now a national security concern. At this rate, the next executive order will require goldfish to apply for visas.
I have spent years studying Earth. I have observed wars, economic crises, coups, pandemics and Elon Mars attempting to colonise my planet.
And yet this sentence still made me stop taking notes.
Grzz’lax immediately asked whether this meant fishing for compliments. I told him not to worry. The Tangerine Tyrant has never been what we on Mars would call a quick catch.
The fish have had enough
And then, because apparently the week had not yet achieved maximum fish-related weirdness, a video emerged from Trump National Golf Club in Sterling, Virginia.
It showed children and adults attempting to catch live fish from a swimming pool.
A swimming pool.
Not a pond.
Not a lake.
Not a river.
A chlorinated swimming pool.
The footage prompted a wave of criticism online, including concerns about animal welfare.
The irony of this appearing immediately after Trump’s fishing remarks was apparently too much for the internet, which briefly became one giant fish-based nervous breakdown.
From Mars, I have one question.
Who looked at a swimming pool full of chlorine and thought: “You know what this needs? Fish.” And not just fish. Live fish. Because apparently even the swimming pool needed a little extra trauma.
The Lunar Haggis have requested clarification on whether this is a new Earth sport.
I have told them no. I hope.
The vaccine sequel nobody asked for
Mango Mussolini then returned to the subject of childhood vaccines, announcing that he would demand that some vaccines be split into five separate injections.
Five.
Because apparently one injection wasn’t complicated enough for the planet that invented the drive-through car wash.
Reuters reported that Trump said some vaccines should be separated and given at six-month intervals, while making claims about autism that are not supported by scientific evidence, proving once again that he seems to have gained some sort of medical degree from the back of a Cheetos packet.
Now, I am only a Martian.
But even on Mars we have mastered the basic mathematical principle that if you take one thing and turn it into five things, you have not reduced the number of things.
You have increased it. Congratulations, Earth. You have turned one appointment into a box set and apparently invented the Marvel Cinematic Universe of Vaccination.
Five injections. Twelve sequels. No one knows when it ends.
Welcome to Trump TV
And then, on Tuesday, came Trump’s latest contribution to the media landscape.
Trump TV.
Because if you don’t like what the press is saying about you, why not simply start your own television channel?
Much simpler.
No awkward questions.
No troublesome journalists.
No inconvenient follow-ups.
Just the President, the camera and the comforting absence of anyone saying “but that’s not what happened”.
The timing is, shall we say, interesting.
First you restrict access for several news organisations.
Then you launch your own media outlet.
But Trump TV does raise one important question.
If you ban the journalists and then launch your own television channel, who exactly is asking the awkward questions?
This is not exactly the traditional Earthling approach to pluralism. Although I suspect that is why Elon Mars keeps trying to buy everything.
Greenland: the new deal that isn’t entirely new
Then came Trump’s latest Greenland development.
The United States, Denmark and Greenland signed a new agreement covering Arctic and North Atlantic security.
Which sounds rather dramatic.
Until you discover that it amends and supplements a defence agreement that has been around since…
1951.
So congratulations, Earth.
You have discovered the exciting new concept of updating the paperwork. At this rate, the next historic peace agreement will be a revised terms and conditions document.
This is apparently what happens when a 75-year-old agreement gets a makeover.
I briefly checked Foogly Maps to see whether Greenland had actually moved.
It hasn’t. I checked again. Still there. Grzz’lax was disappointed. He had already packed his camera.
The triumphal arch gets a military makeover
And then we arrive at the triumphal arch. Because apparently Washington doesn’t have quite enough giant things. Trump is reportedly considering turning the planned triumphal arch into a military complex involving drones and snipers.
Yes.
A triumphal arch.
With drones.
And snipers.
Earthlings, I have only one question.
Who looked at a giant decorative arch and thought, “Needs more military hardware”?
Apparently the answer was the same person who looked at the White House and thought, “Needs a ballroom.”
The Romans built triumphal arches to celebrate military victories. Trump appears to have looked at the concept and thought:
“Nice arch. Needs guns.”
Because nothing says “welcome to Washington” quite like drones and a sniper nest.
At this rate, the ballroom will be fitted with missile silos by Christmas. The Lunar Haggis have already placed bets on whether the chandeliers will be weaponised.I told them not to encourage him.
Mind you if the arch replica is anything to go by we don’t expect it will remain standing for very long, rather like Trump’s political nouse on the world stage.
Fox News discovers the off switch
And then came my second favourite moment of the week.
JD Vance was delivering what appeared to be an exceptionally lengthy speech when Fox News simply…left.
Cut to something else.
Gone.
Goodbye JD.
See you later.
The explanation was even better. Viewers were told they would return to the rally “if he starts to make news”.
I have replayed this sentence several times. Not because I didn’t understand it. Because I did.
This may be the most devastatingly polite television review ever delivered.
“We’ll come back if something happens.”
Somewhere in the Fox News control room, a producer has discovered the television equivalent of the ejector seat.
And I suspect several Earthlings watching at home were thinking:
“Can we have that button for Parliament?”
This is an exciting development in broadcasting.
Perhaps next week we can have:
“We’ll come back to the President if he starts making sense.”
Or:
“We’ll return to Congress if someone actually answers the question.”
Or perhaps simply:
“We’ll be back after something interesting occurs.”
Apparently the UN gives marks now
And finally, Donald Trump arrived at the United Nations and apparently came away with…
Marks.
Yes.
Marks.
After delivering his speech, Trump claimed he had received “very good marks”.
“I don’t know what that means,” he added.
Quite. Mind you at this point we are questioning whether Donny knows what anything means.
As a Martian, I have attended many interplanetary conferences. We have never handed visiting leaders a little card saying:
Speech: A-
Use of threatening rhetoric: C+
Overall planetary diplomacy: Please see us after class.
Perhaps the United Nations has quietly introduced a new educational system.
Perhaps there is a giant whiteboard somewhere in the basement:
UN SPEECHES – YEAR 2026
Donald Trump: F-
Andy Burnham: B
Mark Carney: A+
Someone from Luxembourg: must try harder
Forget resolutions.
Forget votes.
Forget lengthy negotiations.
From now on, the United Nations simply holds up paddles.
“Seven out of ten, Donald. Good use of repetition. Must work on staying on topic.”
I believe we have just invented Strictly Come Speeches. Coming soon to BBC One.
How would you rate today’s speech?
Geneva: 7.
London: 6.
Paris: 8.
Denmark: slowly lowers paddle.
And if the judging is anything like Strictly, we can presumably expect a tense finale, an emotional farewell and someone complaining that the voting was rigged.
For the record, I shall be watching from Mars.
With popcorn.
And absolutely no intention of giving anyone a mark. The Lunar Haggis however have been making their own paddles and have now decided that they will give marks to Earth every week based on how much of a circus has gone on.
Another week – when will we get a break?
And so another week on Earth comes to an end.
Journalists have been banned and then temporarily unbanned.
Microphones have mysteriously disappeared.
Fishing has been threatened with presidential extinction despite an executive order supposedly supporting it.
Live fish have found themselves in swimming pools.
Vaccines are apparently being considered for a five-part reboot.
Trump TV has arrived.
Greenland has acquired an updated version of an agreement first signed in 1951.
A triumphal arch may become a military installation.
Fox News has discovered the magical ability to switch off JD Vance.
And somewhere inside the United Nations, according to one presidential account, someone has apparently been handing out marks.
The Lunar Haggis have now stopped asking me whether Earth is ready for contact with the Intergalactic Federation. They have a new question.
“Are you sure Earth is ready for Earth?”
Frankly, Grzz’lax has gone very quiet. And that worries me more than anything. Even the Martian Senate has started referring to Earth as “that planet with the orange man and the fish problem”.
Until next week, Earthlings. Keep your microphones charged, your fish out of swimming pools, and your UN report cards somewhere safe. And remember we’re watching.
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