Greetings, Earthlings. Xylb’tok the Martian here, reporting once again on the only planet in the solar system where a functioning democracy can apparently be combined with emergency aircraft slides, election pledges involving cheating, a proposed $5,000 election-season dividend and a president demanding that other countries reimburse for a war that served no purpose.
Honestly, Earth. I leave you unsupervised for five minutes.
And this week, we have everything from Air Force One suffering from premature inflation to President You’ve Been Tangoed apparently deciding that elections need a strategic deployment of large quantities of money.
There was also a trip to Ireland, those uniforms, and the small matter of El Taco threatening tariffs against Europe because Canada might become an associate member of the EU.
Meanwhile, somewhere on Mars, the Martian Senate has once again asked whether we could simply turn off Earth’s television signal. I am beginning to think that may be the sensible option.
Air Force One and the premature inflation problem
We begin in the skies, where Air Force One appears to have developed a problem that nobody ever expected to associate with Donald Trump.
Premature inflation.
No, not “that” kind of inflation.
During Trump’s trip to Texas on 9 September, an emergency evacuation slide on the gold flying fortress being used as Air Force One accidentally deployed while the aircraft was on the ground at Joint Base Andrews briefly delaying its departure. Military personnel were reported to have accidentally triggered it.
Still, I suppose there are worse things that could happen to a presidential aircraft.
It could, for example, start demanding a $5,000 dividend every time somebody presses the seatbelt button.
The Lunar Haggis meanwhile, have been following developments from Mars with what I can only describe as suspicious enthusiasm. They apparently believe an emergency slide would make an excellent addition to their observation equipment.
The $5,000 Trump dividend – because apparently elections are Black Friday
Speaking of $5,000, President You’ve-Been-Tangoed has apparently discovered a novel way of approaching the midterm elections.
Trump has proposed a “Trump Dividend” for every American adult if Republicans retain control of Congress in the midterm elections. Because nothing says “normal election campaign” quite like standing in front of the electorate and announcing that, should the correct political party win, a large cheque may materialise.
Critics have described the proposal as an attempt to influence voters (you think?), while economists have raised questions about its cost, inflationary consequences and how exactly it would be financed.
Trump has suggested tariff revenues could help pay for it.
Which raises the obvious question: if tariffs are being used to raise the money, and tariffs are paid through higher costs for imported goods, is the great Trump Dividend essentially the government handing you money with one hand after charging you extra for things with the other?
Perhaps the Martian Treasury Department needs to issue a diagram. Preferably one with crayons.
“I pledge allegiance…” to whom exactly?
Then came a moment that caused several Martians to stare silently at one another across the Senate chamber.
At a Republican midterm convention in Dallas, Donny asked supporters to raise their hands and repeat after him a pledge promising to vote in the midterms.
But this wasn’t merely a pledge to participate in democracy.
Trump had the crowd pledge allegiance to him, describing himself as “the greatest president in the history of the United States”, before telling supporters they would “cheat like hell” and encouraging people to vote even if they were not registered.
Now, Earthlings, I have studied your political systems extensively.
I understand that politicians occasionally enjoy being told how marvellous they are (even if they’re not).
I understand that election campaigns can become competitive.
I even understand that some politicians have a somewhat flexible relationship with reality.
But asking supporters to pledge allegiance to yourself before encouraging them to “cheat like hell” is the sort of thing that makes a Martian wonder whether somebody has accidentally changed the channel from a democratic republic to a dystopian science-fiction film.
Which, given what happened with “those” uniforms later in this week’s episode, would be quite appropriate.
Ireland says hello to El Taco
And now…
IRELAND.
LET’S GO!!!!
President El Taco arrived in Ireland and, judging by the crowds gathered in Dublin and elsewhere, discovered that not everybody had been waiting by the roadside waving little flags.
Thousands of people took part in protests during Trump’s visit, with demonstrators raising issues ranging from Palestine and Iran to climate change, immigration, racism, misogyny and opposition to his wider political agenda.
Organisers put attendance at around 25,000, although The Irish Times noted that the actual number was likely considerably lower.
Still, the crowds stretched for more than a kilometre as demonstrators marched towards the Dáil.
And there were plenty of signs that the Irish had brought their traditional gift for combining political anger with a healthy appreciation of the ridiculous.
Trump himself appeared to dismiss the protests, suggesting they were probably “friendly”.
The Irish crowds, meanwhile, appeared to have selected the “not particularly friendly” setting.
Which, frankly, is probably why they were protesting.
The Lunar Haggis, meanwhile, have declared Ireland their favourite Earthly nation of the week.
They have now apparently started planning their own protest. I have pointed out that they are on Mars, there is no Irish embassy within several million kilometres and nobody has actually asked them to protest.
They remain undeterred.
Apparently, they are making placards.
Grzz’lax has volunteered to photograph the event.
Naturally.
Me start war! Me open strait! Me send invoice!
Meanwhile, President TACO appears to have discovered the ancient principle of international accounting:
If you start the problem, send everyone else the bill.
Trump has demanded that countries benefiting from the reopening and security of the Strait of Hormuz reimburse the United States for the cost of securing the crucial shipping route.
His argument, broadly translated into Martian, appears to be:
Me start war!
Me block strait!
Me open strait!
Me secure strait!
Now pay me!
Me bigly genius!
Trump argued that countries that had provided “no help whatsoever” should reimburse the United States because America was doing more to secure global energy supplies than it was for itself.
Mars would like it placed firmly on the intergalactic record that WE ARE NOT PAYING HIM ANYTHING. And we encourage others to do the same.
The Lunar Haggis have also asked whether they should expect an invoice.
I told them no.
Grzz’lax suggested invoicing Earth for all the Martian headaches it has caused this week.
I am considering it.
Space Force discovers the wrong sort of inspiration
Now, back to those uniforms.
You may remember last week’s discussion of the proposed new Space Force uniforms, which Trump said were inspired by the discipline and functionality of Starship Troopers.
Well.
It turns out there may have been a small problem with that particular source material.
Paul Verhoeven, director of the 1997 film, has now explained that the uniforms and visual style were deliberately influenced by Nazi imagery and propaganda. You don’t say.
So when Trump proudly announced that the proposed Space Force uniform was inspired by Starship Troopers, there was a tiny detail that somebody may have forgotten to mention.
The film was satire.
It’s rather like announcing that the new Martian diplomatic corps will be wearing uniforms inspired by the Death Star and then being surprised when somebody points out that the Death Star was the bad guys’ enormous planet-destroying space station.
Still, at least the Space Force will look smart.
Possibly.
If your definition of smart includes “fascist science-fiction aesthetic with a peaked cap”.
And finally… here come the tariffs again
Just when we thought the tariff saga might have been given a merciful ending, President Tangerine has reached for the tariff button once more.
This time, the target is the European Union.
European Commission President Ursula von der Leyen has proposed giving Canada a new form of associate membership with the EU, strengthening cooperation between Canada and Europe in areas including defence, energy, technology and critical minerals. Canada has indicated interest in a closer relationship, while stopping short of seeking full EU membership.
Trump’s response?
He called the idea “laughable” and warned that if the EU went ahead, the United States could impose “very serious tariffs” or even stop trading with Europe.
Because apparently Canada deciding to become closer to Europe is now potentially a hostile act.
Somewhere in Ottawa, Brussels and London, diplomats are presumably staring at maps trying to work out how Canada joining a European club managed to become America’s problem.
On Mars, meanwhile, we have reached a conclusion.
If Canada wants to join the EU, Canada should join the EU.
If Europe wants closer relations with Canada, Europe can have closer relations with Canada.
And if Donald Trump wants to impose tariffs because he doesn’t like it, well…
Earth’s Follies has another week of material.
Epilogue from Mars
So there we have it.
A presidential aircraft inflated when it wasn’t supposed to.
A proposed $5,000 election dividend.
A pledge of allegiance to a sitting president.
An instruction to “cheat like hell”.
Thousands of Irish protesters telling El Taco precisely what they thought of his visit.
A demand that other countries pay America for securing a strait.
Space Force uniforms inspired by a film whose director says its fascist aesthetic was deliberately based on Nazi propaganda.
And, because apparently the tariff saga was feeling lonely, another threat against Europe.
The Martian Senate has reviewed the evidence.
Its official recommendation is that Earth should perhaps consider taking a weekend off.
Turn off the television.
Put the phones down.
Have a cup of tea.
Look at a tree.
Speak to another human being without mentioning tariffs.
I realise this is an ambitious proposal.
But after this week, frankly, anything is worth trying.
The Lunar Haggis have also submitted their report.
It contains three recommendations:
- Stop watching Earth.
- Do not accept any $5,000 cheques.
- Give Grzz’lax his own photography channel.
I have approved two of these.
Unfortunately, Grzz’lax has already called the channel “Haggis Horizons” and uploaded 847 photographs of the same rock.
I may need to reconsider.
Until next week, Earthlings.
Stay safe.
Stay sane.
And if anybody offers you a $5,000 cheque in exchange for your vote…
check the small print.
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