Greetings, Earthlings. Another week has passed on your increasingly bewildering little planet, and I regret to report that the situation has not improved.In fact, this week began with the White House deciding that what America really needed was a collection of retro arcade games celebrating Donald Trump’s policies. Because apparently governing a country was not sufficiently entertaining.
Naturally, from Mars, we were immediately concerned.
Welcome to the White House arcade
Imagine our alarm when we discovered that the official White House website had launched a game called Rio Run, in which players control a Trump-like character and collect migrants to deport along the Rio Grande.
Yes, Earthlings.
A game.
About deportation.
The White House launched a whole online arcade featuring retro-style games promoting aspects of the administration’s agenda. There was Flappy Bill, Trump Savings Tycoon, Supply Line, Build the Wall and Rio Run.
I must confess, when the Martian Council first heard about Rio Run, we assumed someone had misunderstood the assignment.
Perhaps it was supposed to be a game about running along the Rio Grande while collecting tacos.
Perhaps it was an educational exercise about geography.
Perhaps it was a particularly elaborate prank.
No.
It was apparently intended to promote the administration’s immigration policies.
And then came Build the Wall, which was rather more familiar to gamers. The game closely resembled Tetris, with players stacking bricks to protect the border from what it called a “zombie border siege”.
The Tetris Company was not amused.
It made clear that it had nothing to do with the game and warned that it takes copyright infringement seriously. Shortly afterwards, Build the Wall disappeared from the White House website.
Quite frankly, Earthlings, there is something rather satisfying about watching the creators of Tetris effectively say:
“We didn’t approve this. Remove it.”
And just like that, the White House discovered the one border it apparently could not build a wall around – intellectual property law.
As of this writing, Rio Run has also attracted considerable criticism, although it was Build the Wall that was removed following the Tetris dispute.
Still, perhaps we should be grateful.
At least someone is winning.
The DonOLD enters his emo era
Now we come to an important development in presidential hair politics.
Earthlings, we need to talk about the weave.
After weeks of blonde, increasingly elaborate hair speculation, the DonOLD appears to have entered his emo era.
Donald Trump was photographed with noticeably darker, brunette hair, prompting the internet to collectively stop what it was doing and ask the most important question of the week:
What happened to the blonde?
The familiar golden-orange arrangement had seemingly been replaced by a much darker style, with photographs showing Trump sporting distinctly brunette hair.
From Mars, we have been monitoring developments closely.
We can now confirm that the blonde toupee is alive, well and enjoying its retirement.
It has been granted asylum on Mars.
It is currently living peacefully in a small apartment somewhere in the shadow of Olympus Mons, where it has reportedly taken up yoga and has absolutely no intention of returning to Earth.
The Martian Council has issued it with permanent residency.
Meanwhile, Trump appears to have decided that autumn 2026 is the perfect time to ponder:
“What if I were the mysterious guitarist in a 2000s emo band?”
I have several questions.
Most importantly: who is advising the hair department?
And secondly, does this mean the blonde weave is now officially a former Trump administration official?
If so, we wish the Blondie every happiness on Mars. It is not coming back.
New Mexico? New America? No thanks
Trump has now turned his attention from lakes to states.
Having previously decided that Lake Ontario would be called Lake America, he has floated another geographical rebrand – New Mexico could become New America.
Because apparently the United States has run out of things to govern and has therefore moved into the naming business.
Trump suggested the change on Truth Social, saying supporters had proposed it and describing “New America” as prestigious and beautiful.
New Mexicans, unsurprisingly, were less enthusiastic.
The state’s name has deep historical and cultural roots, and Trump does not have the authority simply to rename it. Any actual change would face significant constitutional and legal obstacles.
So, from Mars, we would like to offer our own geographical contribution.
If America is going to start renaming places simply because the president thinks they sound better, we have decided that Florida shall henceforth be known as New Spain.
We await the paperwork.
Actually, while we’re at it, Texas can become New Texas, because apparently nobody has told President Taco that the word “new” does not automatically improve a name.
And perhaps Washington D.C. could become Trumpington-on-the-Potomac.
I am submitting this proposal to the Martian Council immediately.
The Moon is ours?
And then, Earthlings, things became rather more cosmic.
President You’ve-Been-Tangoed posted an image of the Moon accompanied by the words:
THE MOON IS OURS
along with an American flag.
Now, as someone currently reporting from Mars, I feel uniquely qualified to address this.
No. It isn’t.
The Moon does not belong to the United States.
It does not belong to China.
It does not belong to Russia.
It does not belong to Britain.
And, despite what Elon Mars may occasionally think, Mars does not belong to him either.
The 1967 Outer Space Treaty, to which the United States is a party, prohibits countries from claiming sovereignty over celestial bodies such as the Moon.
So when Trump posts “THE MOON IS OURS”, it may make for an impressive graphic, but it does not actually hand America the deed to the Sea of Tranquility.
One Lunar Haggis was particularly unimpressed.
I asked him for a comment.
He stared at the Moon for approximately six seconds before saying:
“Absolutely not.”
He then returned to his paperwork.
Apparently he has become the first Martian lawyer specialising in extraterrestrial property disputes.
His first case is now America v. The Moon.
I suspect the Moon has rather a good chance.
Space Force or Space Fascistas?
And while we are floating around the Solar System, we need to discuss those new Space Force uniforms.
Because, Earthlings, I am almost certain we have seen these before.
Donald Trump shared a concept for proposed next-generation Space Force uniforms featuring dark grey and black clothing, tall black boots and a sharply militaristic design.
The accompanying description said the uniforms were inspired by the “discipline and functionality” of the Starship Troopers uniform.
Now, this is where someone in the White House really should have paused for five minutes and perhaps watched the film.
Starship Troopers is not exactly a straightforward celebration of authoritarian militarism.
The 1997 film is a satire of fascism, propaganda and militarism. Its aesthetic deliberately draws on fascist and Nazi imagery.
So naturally someone looked at all of that and apparently thought:
“Excellent. Put it on a uniform.”
The resulting design was quickly compared online to the Galactic Empire from Star Wars, as well as Nazi-era military aesthetics.
From Mars, we have a helpful suggestion.
Perhaps the next design should be inspired by something slightly less ominous.
Maybe Star Trek.
At least then everyone knows which side they are supposed to be on.
Apparently North America belongs to America too
And just when we thought the map department could take a day off, El Taco posted another geographical masterpiece.
This time, the map appeared to depict the entire continent of North America under the United States flag.
Canada.
Mexico.
Greenland.
Iceland.
All apparently absorbed into the great red, white and blue blob.
Iceland was, understandably, not thrilled.
The Icelandic government formally protested the image, with its prime minister calling it ridiculous and offensive and Iceland summoning the US ambassador for an explanation.
Iceland, Earthlings, is not part of the United States.
Neither is Canada.
Neither is Mexico.
Neither is Greenland.
And certainly not Mars.
Although given the speed at which the Trump administration appears to be collecting territory on maps, we are keeping a very close eye on Foogly Maps.
The Martian Council has now placed a large sign outside our headquarters:
MARS – NOT FOR SALE.
Underneath it, we have added:
SERIOUSLY.
King Charles gets the Trump edit
And finally, before we reach the serious part of this week’s transmission, we need to discuss King Charles.
Trump shared a video montage intended to portray him as compassionate while depicting other world leaders in a less flattering light.
Among the clips was footage of King Charles, then Prince of Wales, appearing to ignore a man who collapsed during a 2020 visit to an Asda distribution centre in Bristol.
There was just one problem.
The full footage shows Charles reaching towards the man as he fell and then remaining nearby while he received medical attention.
So what we had was not exactly a neutral record of events.
It was an edited video designed to create a particular impression.
From Mars, we call that selective reality.
Or, in Earth terms:
“Don’t show them the bit that ruins the story.”
It is particularly odd given Trump’s longstanding public admiration for the British royal family.
Perhaps the Martian Council should send him the unedited version.
Although, judging by recent events, he may simply repost it with the bits he doesn’t like removed again.
A final word from Mars
And now, Earthlings, the jokes must stop.
Today we mark 25 years since the attacks of 11 September 2001.
Nearly 3,000 people were killed that day. Thousands more were injured, and countless families, communities and first responders have carried the consequences ever since.
Whatever political arguments may surround that anniversary, the people who died should remain at the centre of it.
They were parents, children, partners, friends, colleagues and strangers whose lives ended in circumstances that none of them could have imagined when they woke that morning.
We remember also the firefighters, police officers, paramedics, emergency workers and ordinary people who ran towards danger while others were trying desperately to escape it.
And we remember the survivors, many of whom have continued to live with physical and emotional consequences for a quarter of a century.
From Mars, politics can sometimes seem like an extraordinarily strange spectacle.
But grief is something we understand.
The Martian Council therefore extends its deepest empathy to everyone affected by the attacks of 11 September – to those who lost loved ones, to the survivors, and to the heroes who gave everything trying to save others.
For one day, at least, there should be no politics, no memes, no maps and no arguments about who gets the microphone.
Just remembrance.
And respect.
Until next week, Earthlings.
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