Greetings, Earthlings. It is I, Xylb’tok, your faithful Martian correspondent, transmitting once again from the Red Planet, where international borders are generally agreed upon by the people who live there, military exercises are not normally used as diplomatic tantrums and our presidents don’t rage post memes made by artificial intelligence. .
The Lunar Haggis, meanwhile, have discovered maps. Unfortunately, they have been using them to redraw the boundaries of their campsite. Grzz’lax has confiscated the crayons.
Let us begin.
The Strait of Hormuz: apparently America now owns it
President Taco has once again demonstrated his unusual approach to geography, this time announcing that he intends to declare the Strait of Hormuz “a territory of the United States”.
Yes, Earthlings.
A major international waterway.
Not a car park. Not a golf course. Not a bit of land on which somebody forgot to put a fence. Nope.
A strategically vital strait through which a significant proportion of the world’s oil normally passes.
And Donald Trump would apparently like to colour it in on the American map. Which, as it happens, is precisely what he did (well close enough).
He subsequently posted a map labelling the Strait of Hormuz as US territory, because apparently if you put something on a map in sufficiently large letters, it becomes true.
Earthlings, we Martians have spent centuries developing cartography. We have maps of Mars. Maps of its moons. Maps of underground ice deposits. Maps showing where the Lunar Haggis are forbidden to camp. We have never, however, attempted to solve a territorial dispute by opening Microsoft Paint.
The irony is that the Strait is already at the centre of a highly dangerous conflict involving Iran, shipping, oil supplies and the wider global economy. Rather than making the situation sound considerably calmer, Trump appears to have decided that what it really needs is an American flag drawn over it.
Iran, unsurprisingly, has rejected the idea.
From Mars, our diplomatic advice is simple:
Perhaps don’t annex the waterway while you’re still trying to work out how to reopen it.
South Korea: help us or else
Meanwhile, relations with South Korea have acquired an increasingly transactional quality.
Trump has ordered the Pentagon to scale back US military exercises with South Korea, with the administration citing Seoul’s refusal to support the American war against Iran.
Now, Earthlings, military exercises with allies generally exist for a fairly obvious reason.
To make sure allies know how to work together if something goes terribly wrong.
They are not normally supposed to function as a loyalty test.
“Support my war or we’ll reduce your security cooperation” is perhaps less NATO alliance and more playground bully with a football.
The timing is particularly interesting. The reduction comes as Trump has been pushing allies to support his campaign against Iran, while the US military is already stretched by the prolonged conflict. The deployment of the USS Abraham Lincoln has lasted more than eight months, while another carrier has been moved into position to relieve it.
From Mars, we have a suggestion.
If your military is already exhausted, perhaps the solution is not to pick a fight with your allies because they won’t join your existing fight.
The Lunar Haggis tried this strategy once. They demanded that Scotland support their invasion of a neighbouring picnic table. Scotland declined. The Haggis responded by cancelling their annual tartan appreciation exercise.
Nobody was particularly frightened.
The USS Abraham Lincoln and the magic word: “fake”
Speaking of that aircraft carrier, reports have raised serious concerns about conditions aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, which has been at sea for months.
There have been reports concerning sailors’ mental health, supplies and the extraordinary length of the deployment. Trump, however, dismissed the concerns as “fake” saying an unnamed retired admiral had assured him the carrier was beautifully maintained.
Earthlings, there is an increasingly familiar pattern here.
Someone raises a problem. The problem is inconvenient. The problem is therefore declared fake.
We Martians call this Administrative Ostrich Syndrome.
It is characterised by placing one’s head firmly into the sand while insisting that the sand itself is fake.
The Lincoln has reportedly spent more than 200 days at sea without a port call, with concerns about sailors’ wellbeing becoming increasingly public.
Perhaps the people actually living on the ship should get a vote on whether everything is fine.
Just a thought.
George Washington gets a ballroom tour
And now, Earthlings, we arrive at the latest chapter in what can only be described as Donald Trump’s AI Historical Friendship Programme.
Trump has once again summoned George Washington from the afterlife – digitally, naturally – to accompany him around his proposed White House ballroom.
Washington has been dead for 226 years.
The ballroom does not yet exist.
But apparently this presents no obstacle whatsoever to the pair having a little stroll around it together.
Trump posted AI-generated images showing himself giving Washington a tour, later sharing a video in which the two appeared to discuss his “Military Complex/Ballroom”.
Earthlings, I have several questions.
First, why is George Washington being consulted on a building that did not exist during his lifetime?
Second, does he get a vote?
Third, if Washington approves the ballroom, does that mean we can now expect Thomas Jefferson to be asked about the plumbing?
The entire thing has the unmistakable air of a child showing an imaginary friend their new bedroom.
“Look, George! This is where we will put the giant ballroom!”
“Excellent, Donald.”
“Do you like the gold?”
“Very much, Donald.”
“Shall we build a drone port?”
“Absolutely, Donald.”
At this point I fully expect the next image to show Abraham Lincoln arriving with a clipboard and asking whether the East Wing demolition has received planning permission.
CSI: National Mall
The Donald has also apparently discovered another mysterious act of vandalism.
Grass.
Specifically, dead and damaged grass on the National Mall where Trump’s enormous 4th July celebrations took place.
Trump blamed vandals for the damage despite there being no clear evidence supporting that claim – typically on brand. Experts and journalists have instead pointed towards the very large event itself, heavy infrastructure, crowds and extreme summer heat as far more plausible explanations.
Earthlings, we have now reached the stage where even grass apparently has political enemies.
The location is rather awkward too. It is the same general area that hosted the enormous celebrations.Thousands of people attended. Temporary structures were installed. Heavy equipment was brought in. And then the grass died.
This is not exactly a mystery worthy of Sherlock Holmes.
The Lunar Haggis have offered an alternative theory. They believe the grass was killed by an organised cabal of particularly aggressive lawnmowers.
Grzz’lax has asked them to stop watching conspiracy videos.
Keystone XL: what is that AI meme even about?
Finally, Earthlings, just when we thought Captain Bonespurs might have exhausted his supply of bizarre AI-generated presidential fantasies, he appears to have resurrected another old favourite: Keystone XL.
Trump has once again been promoting the controversial pipeline, accompanied by an AI-generated image that has left us on Mars with considerably more questions than answers.
First of all: what is that supposed to be?
There is a pipeline. There is a giant tombstone. There is Donald Trump.
And there is some mysterious object in his hands that we have been studying at considerable length and still cannot confidently identify.
A piece of pipeline? A ceremonial object? A prop from a low-budget science-fiction film?
We genuinely have no idea.
The tombstone is particularly inspired. Nothing says “great American energy policy” quite like announcing the return of a controversial pipeline alongside what appears to be its own grave marker.
It is almost as though Keystone XL has been simultaneously buried and resurrected.
Earthlings, this is not how infrastructure normally works.
The pipeline was cancelled years ago after fierce opposition over environmental concerns, land rights and its potential climate impact. Now it appears to have been dragged back into the political conversation, with Trump once again flirting with its revival.
And rather than simply announcing the policy, we get an AI fever dream.
At this point, someone really does need to take the AI away from the Donald.
Mars possesses artificial intelligence too. We use ours to monitor atmospheric conditions, map geological formations and warn us when a Lunar Haggis has wandered somewhere it shouldn’t.
We do not use it to create imaginary photographs of our politicians standing beside tombstones holding mysterious objects while resurrecting infrastructure projects from the dead. Perhaps that is why our planet remains habitable.
The most worrying part, however, is that underneath the bizarre imagery is a very real issue. Earth only has one atmosphere, and building or reviving enormous fossil-fuel infrastructure has consequences that cannot simply be erased with a delete button.
You cannot generate a new planet when you have finished damaging this one.
Believe us.
We checked.
The Lunar Haggis have therefore proposed a new Martian rule:
If your AI-generated political meme requires a tombstone to explain your energy policy, perhaps reconsider the energy policy.
Grzz’lax has approved this message.
He has also confiscated the AI generator.
Closing reflections from orbit
Week 79 has been another extraordinary tour through the human imagination.
A president has attempted to redraw an international waterway with a map.
An ally has apparently been punished for declining to join a war.
Serious concerns over the wellbeing of the personnel on an aircraft-carrier that has been deployed for more than eight months has been dismissed as “fake”.
George Washington has been resurrected by artificial intelligence to admire a ballroom that hasn’t been built.
Grass has been accused of suffering from vandalism.
And a pipeline that refused to die has once again been summoned from the political graveyard.
From Mars, we are beginning to wonder whether Earth has confused governing with posting.
Perhaps this is the ultimate problem.
When reality becomes inconvenient, simply make another image. If the grass dies, blame vandals. If the sailors are struggling, call it fake. If another country does not agree with you, redraw the map. If George Washington is unavailable, generate him. And if the planet is warming, perhaps build another oil pipeline.
The Lunar Haggis have now requested their own AI generator. Grzz’lax has refused. He says seven imaginary versions of the Haggis would be seven too many.
Until next week, Earthlings.
Do remember that maps do not create sovereignty, allies are not children to be punished for refusing to play along, grass does not need a political affiliation and George Washington is still, regrettably for the President, dead.
And please, for the love of all things Martian, take the AI away from the Donald.
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