Greetings, Earthlings. It is I, Xylb’tok, your faithful Martian correspondent, reporting once again from the Red Planet, where maps generally put countries in the correct places, lakes tend to retain their names and military vessels are usually named after people who actually did something heroic.
The Lunar Haggis have spent the week studying a map of Earth. They are now extremely confused. And coloured Lake Ontario red.
Apparently, according to certain recent developments, geographical features can be renamed at will, Washington DC can apparently be moved into North Carolina and a lake can become American simply because somebody in Washington has had a particularly forceful morning.
Grzz’lax has recommended we stop showing them maps altogether.
I fear the damage may already be done.
Karoline loves her children more than Trump
Let us begin with a rather peculiar episode involving President Taco and his outgoing press secretary, Karoline Leavitt.
Trump appeared to complain that Leavitt had chosen to spend time with her children rather than with him, saying she had decided she loved her children more than she loved Donald Trump and that he was “very upset” about it. The remarks were presented as a joke, but given the increasingly public distance between the President and one of his most loyal defenders, they have prompted rather more scrutiny than an ordinary presidential quip might. It was also the second time he repeated that rhetoric in a matter of days raising a collective eyebrow on Mars.
Earthlings, we Martians are trying to understand this.
Most parents, when faced with the choice between spending time with their children and spending time with their boss, tend to choose the children.
This is generally considered normal.
We therefore recommend that Trump does not take it personally. Unless, of course, he really is upset that a mother loves her newborn more than she loves the President of the United States.
The Lunar Haggis have suggested a new White House loyalty test in which staff must rank their affection for Trump, their family and their pets.
The proposal was immediately rejected after one Haggis admitted it would place him third behind a particularly handsome sheep.
The USS Donald Trump?
Speaking of loyalty, we now arrive at another rather extraordinary proposal.
Reports suggest the US Navy is considering renaming an aircraft carrier, that was originally to be designated the USS Doris Miller, after Donald Trump. The vessel was due to be named after Miller, a Black sailor and Second World War hero who displayed extraordinary bravery during the attack on Pearl Harbor, despite having no formal training on the anti-aircraft gun he operated. He helped save his wounded commanding officer and became the first Black American to receive the Navy Cross.
The proposed change would be unprecedented because an aircraft carrier has never been named after a sitting president. The Navy is reportedly considering naming another vessel after Miller and recommending him for the Medal of Honour instead.
Earthlings, I have a modest suggestion.
Perhaps leave the name Doris Miller where it is.
There is something rather uncomfortable about replacing the name of a man who risked his life during an actual attack with that of a man who spent much of his youth successfully avoiding military service.
Captain Bonespurs himself once remarked, when the Navy announced the Doris Miller name, that they would not give him that honour because it was “a big boat”.
Apparently, someone has reconsidered.
The Lunar Haggis have already submitted a counterproposal: USS Please Leave The Hero’s Name Alone.
We believe it has merit.
Canada says: enough already
Meanwhile, President Trump has been engaged in another increasingly acrimonious dispute with Canada’s Prime Minister Mark Carney.
The United States has imposed steep new tariffs on Canadian goods, with the latest measures including 50% tariffs on a range of Canadian products. Canada has responded with its own counter-tariffs, dollar for dollar, after trade negotiations collapsed.
And this time, Carney appears to have decided that being polite and hoping the Americans eventually calm down may not be sufficient.
Canada has suspended negotiations, pledged to protect its workers and businesses and begun accelerating efforts to diversify its trading relationships beyond the United States.
From Mars, this is fascinating.
For generations, Canada and the United States have maintained one of the world’s closest economic relationships.
Now the relationship appears to be entering the intercontinental equivalent of:
“Fine. If you want to behave like that, we’ll find someone else to trade with.”
The Canadian government says America has changed and that Canada will not allow another nation to determine its future. Quite right too.
The Lunar Haggis have expressed their full support. They are currently attempting to order Canadian maple syrup in bulk. Elbows Up Canada!
Lake America – geography by presidential decree
Which brings us neatly to the latest episode in America’s increasingly ambitious renaming programme.
Trump has threatened to rename Lake Ontario to Lake America, apparently because the United States and Canada are no longer getting along particularly well.
Because obviously the most mature way to resolve an international trade dispute is to rename part of the other country’s geography.
The White House then appeared to make matters considerably worse by posting a Lego-inspired map proudly displaying “LAKE AMERICA”.
Unfortunately, whoever produced the map appears to have misplaced Washington DC.
It was shown in the wrong location, in the vicinity of North Carolina, prompting the internet to respond with precisely the level of mercy one might expect.
Earthlings, we have some questions.
If you are going to rename geographical features, perhaps first establish where the existing geographical features are.
On Mars, our maps are produced using satellites, geological surveys and an astonishingly advanced technology known as looking at the map.
The Lunar Haggis have now offered to produce an alternative. Their proposed version puts Canada somewhere near Spain.
We have declined.
Whiskeyleaks and the disappearing generals
Meanwhile, over at the Pentagon, Pete Hegseth – Whiskeyleaks to his frenemies here on Mars – appears to be conducting something of a personnel demolition derby.
A series of firings and disputes has left the US Army without a chief of staff since General Randy George was removed in April, while several senior officers who might have succeeded him have also been forced out. There is reportedly no clear indication that the position is close to being filled.
This is occurring while the Army is dealing with increasingly sophisticated drone warfare and missile threats, including attacks on US bases in the Middle East.
Earthlings, I am no military strategist. I am merely a Martian with a telescope and a functioning brain (which is more than can be said for certain Earthly political figures).
But removing senior military leadership while your military is actively engaged in a major conflict seems somewhat like removing the pilot because you don’t like the way he holds the steering wheel.
Perhaps there is a cunning strategy.
Perhaps.
The Lunar Haggis have asked whether Hegseth intends to replace the missing generals with people who know where the Army is.
Nobody has answered.
Aliens don’t care who is president?
Now for something deeply amusing.
It turns out the Trump administration has a UFO adviser. Yes, Earthlings – a UFO adviser. Avi Loeb, who leads the administration’s Unidentified Anomalous Phenomena Science Advisory Council, has suggested that if extraterrestrial beings arrived from the vastness of space, they would not care who the President of the United States was or how humans divide territory on Earth.
Well.
I have some news for him.
We care. Very much.
Speaking as an actual extraterrestrial currently reporting from Mars, I can confirm that aliens do, in fact, pay close attention to Earth politics. And speaking on behalf of the Martian community, we have reached a fairly firm conclusion: we don’t care for the current occupant of the White House one bit.
Frankly, if the galaxy were holding an interplanetary election, his campaign would struggle to get past the first round.
The idea that extraterrestrials would arrive, observe Earth for approximately 14 seconds and conclude, “Donald Trump? Excellent choice,” is rather optimistic.
We have watched the threats, the tariffs, the territorial ambitions, the gold-plated monuments, the increasingly elaborate AI fantasies and the apparent inability to leave a geographical landmark with its original name.
We have also noticed the tendency to blame everyone else when things go wrong.
From Mars, the verdict is therefore in.
We don’t like him either.
The Lunar Haggis have formally requested that this position be included in the next interplanetary diplomatic communiqué. Grzz’lax simply raised one eyebrow. For once, the Martian Council was unanimous.
And please stop sending probes. Some of us are trying to write.
Closing reflections from orbit
Week 79 has been another extraordinary demonstration of Earth’s ability to turn almost anything into a political statement.
A press secretary’s family becomes a source of presidential grievance.
A war hero’s name risks being removed from a warship in favour of the man currently occupying the White House.
A close ally becomes a tariff target.
A lake becomes a geopolitical bargaining chip.
A map puts Washington DC in the wrong state.
Generals disappear from the Pentagon.
And somewhere in the background, an official UFO adviser is calmly explaining that aliens probably do not care who your president is.
He is correct about one thing.
We do not care about your political parties, your polls or your campaign slogans.
But we do care about what happens to Earth.
We care about wars.
We care about climate.
We care about your oceans, your forests and the increasingly alarming tendency of one species to rename everything it looks at.
Up here, the Lunar Haggis have now begun compiling their own list of things they would like renamed.
They propose calling Earth Haggis Prime, the Moon Little Haggis and Mars The Sensible One.
Grzz’lax has vetoed all three. Although he had to admit that The Sensible One fits his planet.
Until next week, Earthlings.
Remember that a lake does not become yours because you give it a new name, a war hero’s legacy does not need improving, and if the aliens finally arrive, perhaps try not to move Washington DC before they get here.
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