Greetings, Earthlings. It is I, Xylb’tok, your faithful Martian correspondent, reporting once again from the Red Planet, where governments generally require permission before drilling for resources, musicians tend to control their own music and catering trucks are used to transport food rather than presidents.
The Lunar Haggis have spent most of the week arguing over whether an inflatable vehicle can technically be described as a spaceship. Grzz’lax has refused to get involved. Frankly, I cannot blame him.
Meanwhile, on Earth, things continue to unfold with the usual combination of political theatre, questionable judgement and an alarming absence of adult supervision.
Let us begin.
Greenland: not yours, still not yours
Greenland has once again found itself at the centre of President Taco’s increasingly persistent fascination with other people’s territory. This time, however, the story has acquired an additional ingredient: oil.
A US company with links to figures associated with the Donald has reportedly arrived with ambitions to begin drilling for oil in Greenland. There is just one tiny, rather inconvenient detail.
Greenland has not given them permission.
Greenlandic authorities have pushed back, pointing out that the company does not have the necessary regulatory approvals and that there has not been sufficient time to properly assess the environmental and social consequences of the proposed drilling.
Earthlings, we Martians have spent some time studying your concept of property. It seems remarkably straightforward.
If it belongs to someone else, you ask before taking it. If they say no, you don’t take it. If they still say no, you definitely don’t arrive with a drill and say, “Well, we’re here now.”
And yet here we are.
This is particularly entertaining given the long-running obsession of Mango Mussolini with bringing Greenland under American control. First came the suggestions that America should acquire it. Then came maps, boasts, threats and increasingly enthusiastic declarations about what would happen during his presidency. Now an oil company with connections apparently wants to start drilling.
At this point, Greenland must be wondering whether it has somehow accidentally placed a giant “FREE OIL” sign on the Arctic Ocean.
We should stress, Earthlings, that Greenland is not simply an enormous frozen bit of real estate sitting around waiting for whichever billionaire, politician or oil company happens to fancy it. It is an autonomous territory within the Kingdom of Denmark, and its people have their own government, laws and, presumably, opinions about strangers turning up with industrial drilling equipment.
From Mars, we are beginning to suspect that the phrase “It’s not yours” may need to become an official diplomatic statement. The Martian Geological Service has therefore issued a precautionary notice to all visitors to Olympus Mons:
NO DRILLING. NO LAND GRABS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The Lunar Haggis have gone one step further and produced a sign for Greenland:
GREENLAND: NOT FOR SALE. NOT FOR DRILLING. PLEASE STOP ASKING.
Frankly, Earthlings, it seems remarkably clear to us. Perhaps we should send them a copy of the Martian Constitution. Although, knowing your lot, someone will probably try to buy that too.
Another Trump-backed winner… has failed to win
Mike Lindell, the former MyPillow chief executive and prominent Trump ally, has lost the Republican primary for Minnesota governor.
Lindell was defeated by Minnesota House Speaker Lisa Demuth, who took roughly 43.5% of the vote to Lindell’s 32.5%. Donald Trump had endorsed Lindell, making the result another rather uncomfortable data point for a President who has spent considerable time advertising his influence over Republican voters.
Naturally, Lindell did not simply shrug and say, “Well, that’s democracy.”
Oh no. That would have been far too straightforward.
Instead, he questioned the result, pointed to alleged irregularities and refused to concede. Earthlings, this feels strangely familiar. So familiar, in fact, that the Martian Electoral Commission has been rummaging through its archives to see whether this particular plotline has appeared before.
It has.
Many times.
There is something almost comforting about consistency. When the result goes your way, it is a historic mandate, a magnificent victory and quite possibly evidence that the electorate has finally discovered wisdom. When the result goes against you, however, there must surely be something wrong with the voting system.
The Lunar Haggis once attempted precisely this approach after losing a referendum on whether they should be allowed to operate a trebuchet without adult supervision. They demanded a recount, insisting that the result could not possibly reflect the true wishes of the Haggis.
The recount produced exactly the same result. They demanded another recount. The Martian Council eventually confiscated the trebuchet.
Democracy survived.
ICE gets a shocking new idea
Now we come to something considerably less amusing.
US Immigration and Customs Enforcement plans to equip officers with electric shock gloves.
The devices, known as G.L.O.V.E. – Generated Low Output Voltage Emitter – are intended by ICE as a tool for “distraction and de-escalation”. The agency is reportedly looking at spending between $10mn and $20mn on them.
Earthlings.
Electric.
Shock.
Gloves.
We have spent considerable time examining this concept from Mars. The conclusion of our scientific panel was:
Why?
The technology is supposed to deliver pain through direct contact without leaving obvious marks, which has understandably raised concerns among civil rights advocates and officials about potential misuse. Critics have specifically raised concerns about vulnerable people, including children, pregnant women and elderly people.
Apparently the idea is that these are less harmful than Tasers. This is a fascinating sentence.
It is rather like announcing: “Good news! We have replaced the flamethrower with a smaller flamethrower.”
The Martian Council has advised our enforcement officers to continue using the traditional technique of asking individuals politely to stop doing whatever they are doing.
It has proved remarkably effective.
The vaccine wars continue
President Fanta signed an executive order directing a review of America’s approach to childhood vaccination.
The order seeks changes to federal vaccine recommendations, including a review of the childhood vaccination schedule and greater emphasis on individual vaccines rather than some combination vaccines. Public-health experts have warned that changing the schedule could create logistical difficulties and potentially reduce vaccination uptake, while critics say there is insufficient scientific justification for the changes.
Earthlings, we Martians are beginning to suspect that your species has developed a strange fascination with making simple things unnecessarily complicated.
A combined vaccine: One appointment. One set of arrangements. One established system.
The proposed approach: More appointments. More injections. More opportunities for children to avoid the doctor’s surgery by hiding behind the sofa.
And all this comes amid renewed political discussion about vaccines and autism, despite the lack of evidence establishing that routine childhood vaccines cause autism.
The Martian Medical Council has therefore issued its own recommendation:
Trust medical evidence rather than political suspicion.
The Lunar Haggis asked whether deep-fried food counts as a vaccination.
The Penguin sighed.
Taylor Swift strikes back
And now, Earthlings, we arrive at one of the week’s more delicious episodes.
Donald Trump has spent considerable time making his dislike of Taylor Swift abundantly clear, yet somehow her music keeps finding its way into his social media posts. This week, several posts used Swift’s music, including August, in material featuring the President and First Lady.
The audio was subsequently removed.
Which leaves us with a rather beautiful Martian paradox. Trump appears to dislike Taylor Swift, Taylor Swift appears to have no interest whatsoever in helping Trump, and yet he keeps finding himself using her music.
She lives rent-free in his head, apparently.
Her music, however, disappeared from the posts. No lengthy political declaration was required. No presidential debate. No international summit.
Just:
No, you can’t use my music.
And frankly, we are here for it.
For the avoidance of doubt, Mars is Team Tay Tay. The Martian Council has formally endorsed Swift, although the Lunar Haggis attempted to turn the vote into a referendum on whether Shake It Off should become the official anthem of Olympus Mons.
That motion was defeated after someone pointed out that none of them can actually dance.
The catering truck escape
Earthlings, we must discuss what may be the most extraordinary story of the week.
During Donald Trump’s departure from Turkey following the NATO summit, a credible missile threat led the Secret Service to arrange a covert change of aircraft.
Trump was moved from the newer Qatari-gifted Air Force One to a smaller C-32A government aircraft.
The method?
Yes.
A catering truck.
Trump was secretly transferred while Air Force One, carrying senior officials and members of the press corps, continued separately as a decoy. The operation was prompted by intelligence indicating a serious threat, reportedly involving a possible missile attack connected to Iran or its proxies.
Now, to be absolutely clear, Earthlings, if the Secret Service believes the President is facing a credible missile threat, taking precautions is hardly unreasonable.
The genuinely astonishing part is the logistics.
Imagine being a journalist on Air Force One, happily expecting to fly home with the President, only to discover later that the President had quietly disappeared through the back door inside a catering vehicle. And that there was a threat the plane you were in would get blown out of the sky. And you were not warned.
This sounds less like presidential security and more like the opening scene of a particularly expensive farce.
Trump later confirmed the operation and said he followed the instructions of the Secret Service.
Meanwhile, the senior officials and press travelling on the decoy aircraft were apparently not aware of the switch.
From Mars, we have a question.
If your plane is the decoy, when exactly does somebody tell the passengers?
The Lunar Haggis have already suggested that future presidential departures should involve a laundry van, three identical decoy presidents and a suspiciously large sack labelled “sandwiches”.
Grzz’lax immediately confiscated the sack.
The mystery of the mystery mane
And finally, Earthlings, we must turn our attention to what may be the most pressing geopolitical mystery of the week: Donald Trump’s hair.
During a recent appearance in Las Vegas, the President emerged sporting what appeared to be a considerably fuller, glossier and altogether more luxuriant head of hair than usual. Naturally, the internet responded with all the restraint and dignity one would expect from billions of humans suddenly confronted with the possibility that the President had acquired an entirely new barnet overnight.
Was it a wig? A transplant? A miracle?
Or, most importantly, was there a weave involved?
The White House offered a considerably less exciting explanation, attributing the transformation to the venue’s LED lighting. Earthlings, we have encountered some extraordinary scientific explanations during our observations of your planet, but “the lighting made his hair look completely different” has certainly earned a place in the Martian archives.
Social media, meanwhile, did what social media does best: produced memes, videos, more memes, more hair suggestions, before-and-after comparisons and increasingly imaginative theories about the sudden appearance of the Trump Super Mane. Serious publications even found themselves investigating the phenomenon, because apparently this is where civilisation has arrived.
We should perhaps also mention that last week we granted asylum to a perfectly innocent wig fleeing the political turmoil on Earth. Now we are wondering whether this latest barnet will be seeking refuge on Mars too. Our asylum system may soon need a dedicated hair department.
The Lunar Haggis asked whether we could recreate the look using Martian moss.
Grzz’lax has banned them from trying. Quite frankly, after seeing the photographs, I think he has made the correct decision.
Closing reflections from orbit
And so, Earthlings, Week 78 draws to a close.
Greenland has once again had to explain that sovereignty means something, Taylor Swift has reclaimed her soundtrack, a Trump-backed candidate has lost, ICE wants electric shock gloves and somewhere in Washington a catering truck has acquired an entirely new career path.
And then there was the hair.
Always the hair.
From Mars, we continue to watch with a mixture of fascination, concern and the occasional need to lie down in a darkened room.
There are serious issues here. Sovereignty matters. Public health matters. The use of force by government agencies matters. Democratic elections matter. Presidential security matters. None of these things should be reduced to political theatre, social-media spectacle or another opportunity for somebody to declare themselves the greatest person who has ever existed.
Yet amid all of this, there are also moments of delicious absurdity.
Taylor Swift removing her music from Trump’s posts is one of them.
The internet collectively investigating his barnet is another.
And somewhere in Washington, an inflatable frog, several rescued ducks and a collection of displaced Lunar Haggis are presumably wondering what on Earth is going on.
The Martian Council has reached a simple conclusion: Earth remains impossible to predict, but remarkably easy to satirise.
Until next week, Earthlings.
Remember that Greenland is not yours simply because you fancy drilling it, elections are not illegitimate merely because you lost them, musicians can decide who uses their music, and if your President suddenly acquires a magnificent new weave, perhaps check the lighting before calling in the scientists.
Mars remains firmly Team Tay Tay. Grzz’lax remains firmly opposed to Martian moss-based hair extensions. And the Lunar Haggis have been banned from operating the catering truck. For everyone’s safety.
Friends of Bylines Network
There has never been a greater need for grassroots journalism that investigates the stories that really matter, holds power to account and champions the voices of everyday citizens. We are proudly powered by volunteers but what we do isn’t free.
STAND WITH US for independent, citizen-led journalism that makes democracy stronger, and you will even get some exclusive benefits.
