Greetings, Earthlings. It is I, Xylb’tok, your faithful Martian correspondent, once again transmitting from the Red Planet, where constitutions are generally treated as instruction manuals rather than creative writing prompts, our observatories remain funded, and our statues commemorating the fallen are rarely mistaken for something Liberace might have ordered for the garden.
I must confess to a personal concern this week. Reports have reached us that Jodrell Bank has lost funding. This is deeply troubling, not because of the science – although that matters enormously – but because it serves as our entirely fictional and definitely-not-real relay station for these weekly transmissions. Should my broadcasts suddenly cease, please assume either the funding cuts have reached Mars or the Lunar Haggis have once again crossed the wires while attempting to toast marshmallows over a radio telescope.
Let us begin.
Four terms? Why stop there?
Agent Orange has once again been teasing the idea of remaining in office beyond the limits of your Constitution. Appearing at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner wearing a Trump 2028 hat (presumably made in China), he declared:
“I am pleased to announce my intention to run for a fourth term as President of the United States.”
He later framed the remark as a joke.
Earthlings, I have observed that your species possesses a curious habit.
When something outrageous receives applause, it was serious. When it receives criticism, it was humour. From Mars this makes it increasingly difficult to distinguish jokes from policy announcements.
The United States Constitution rather inconveniently limits presidents to two elected terms – a detail which appears to have become increasingly negotiable in certain circles. President Fanta appears to have developed a fascinating new branch of mathematics in which one equals two, two equals three and three somehow becomes four.
The Lunar Haggis immediately attempted to nominate themselves for a fifth consecutive term on the Martian Village Council despite never having been elected in the first place.
Their campaign slogan was simple:
“Why let arithmetic ruin a perfectly good ambition?”
It polled surprisingly well.
Mali and Gollum’s precious
Reports suggest the administration is actively considering military strikes against Mali. Should that happen, it would become the eighth country struck during Trump’s second term.
Now, Earthlings, Mali undoubtedly faces serious security challenges. Nobody disputes that. What caught our attention, however, was something else entirely. Mali also happens to be one of Africa’s largest producers of gold.
Now, I am absolutely NOT suggesting the two facts are connected. Perish the thought.
It is almost certainly a complete coincidence that Gollum – sorry, Agent Orange – has spent the past 18 months covering statues, monuments, mountains, horses and practically anything else that remains stationary in gold leaf while simultaneously turning his attention towards one of the world’s great gold-producing nations.
Pure coincidence.
Almost certainly.
Probably.
The Martian Treasury has suggested we avoid mentioning this too loudly in case someone decides Olympus Mons might suddenly be discovered to contain “weapons of mass inconvenience.”
NNow arriving at Donald J Trump station
The administration is reportedly pushing to rename New York City’s Penn Station after Donald Trump as part of its forthcoming $8bn redevelopment. How very on brand of them.
There appears to be no public building, airport, mountain, passport, railway station or strategically positioned brick wall that the administration does not believe could be improved by attaching one particular surname to it.
We respectfully disagree.
We have begun referring to this as Advanced Topographical Branding Disorder.
We briefly considered calling it Trump Derangement Syndrome, but apparently that name has already been taken.
The symptoms include an overwhelming desire to place one’s own name on absolutely everything that remains visible for longer than 30 seconds.
I fully expect the Atlantic Ocean to become the Donald J. Trump Memorial Wet Area.
The Lunar Haggis briefly proposed renaming the Martian Council Chamber after themselves. Grzz’lax pointed out there are seven of them.
Negotiations quickly collapsed.
At the current rate, we fully expect directions on Earth to become:
“Take the Donald J. Trump Parkway, turn left at Donald J. Trump International Airport, continue past Donald J. Trump Station and you’ll find yourself overlooking Donald J. Trump Mountain.”
Better than their parents?
While visiting Michigan, Mango Mussolini confidently informed autoworkers that he had done more for them than their own parents.
That is quite the claim.
Parents generally provide such trivial things as food, shelter, emotional support, encouragement and occasionally preventing their offspring from attempting to lick electrical sockets.
To surpass all that is, frankly, quite the achievement. Or perhaps merely an extraordinary act of self-confidence. The remarkable confidence with which these statements are delivered continues to fascinate us.
On Mars we refer to this as Comparative Hyperbole Inflation – the belief that every achievement must immediately become the greatest in recorded history.
The Lunar Haggis insisted they had invented whisky.
Scotland politely requested a word.
Please don’t switch us off
I mentioned Jodrell Bank earlier, but the situation deserves a moment of seriousness.
The observatory has inspired generations of scientists, engineers and curious minds while helping humanity understand its place in the universe.
From Mars we naturally approve of such ambitions.
After all, someone has to keep an eye on us.
There is something wonderfully human about pointing enormous dishes towards the heavens simply because you want to know what is out there.
Curiosity is one of your finest qualities. It’s a shame it so often loses funding while gold paint apparently never does.
Please do try not to underfund it.
Besides, if my weekly broadcasts disappear, you shall all be left wondering what became of the Lunar Haggis.
Trust me. Ignorance is not bliss.
Plus, we have grown fond of our little communique and if we suddenly stop hearing from you we, well, we shall miss you… well some of you… definitely not him or him for that matter and most certainly not the orange him.
Arts of War… or Arts of Why?
Construction has begun on Captain Bonespurs’ latest artistic vision: the gold-painted Arts of War statues.
Earthlings.
What.
Is.
That?
These monuments are intended to honour those who paid the ultimate sacrifice. They are supposed to encourage quiet reflection.
Instead they resemble something Liberace might have commissioned after discovering military history and unlimited access to gold leaf.
Somewhere, Liberace has looked up and muttered, “Bit much.”
There are moments when restraint is the highest form of respect. This is one of them.
The Martian War Memorial consists of a single polished stone bearing the names of the fallen.
It does not require gilding.
It requires remembrance.
The Lunar Haggis briefly proposed adding disco lighting.
Even they realised there are occasions when less really is more.
Wherever he may be…
During remarks following Lindsey Graham’s funeral, President You’ve-Been-Tangoed appeared to become momentarily uncertain as to the late senator’s whereabouts, referring to him with the phrase:
Earthlings, etiquette rather discourages speculation at funerals. Particularly by the individual delivering the remarks.
We, naturally, would never dream of commenting upon precisely where Senator Graham may have ended up. That would be inappropriate.
The Penguin slowly looked upwards. Then slowly looked downwards. Then quietly left the room.
We make no further observations.
Europe under “invasion”
Finally, the Ranter-In-Chief returned to one of his favourite themes during remarks in the Oval Office, claiming that Europe is being invaded by migrants.
Migration is a complex subject. It involves economics, conflict, humanitarian crises, law and international cooperation. Reducing all of that to inflammatory rhetoric does little to illuminate the issue. It merely generates outrage, which too often appears to be the point.
From Mars we have noticed that complicated problems rarely become simpler when described using ever more dramatic language.
Quite the opposite.
The Lunar Haggis once declared themselves under invasion after discovering two sheep had wandered into their campsite.
It transpired both sheep had been there first.
Perspective, as ever, is everything.
Closing reflections from orbit
Week 76 has been dominated by grand declarations.
Fourth terms.
Golden monuments.
Renamed stations.
Military options.
Everything bigger.
Everything louder.
Everything shinier.
Everything, apparently, painted gold.
Meanwhile, the things that genuinely endure – science, remembrance, institutions and simple human curiosity – quietly risk being forgotten in the background.
From Mars, we continue to believe that civilisations are ultimately remembered not for how much gold they applied to statues, but for how honestly they confronted reality.
Up here, the Lunar Haggis have decided to construct a monument to themselves out of painted cheese wheels. Grzz’lax has denied planning permission, redirected the funding to the Martian Science Academy and reminded them that if one wishes to be remembered, it is generally preferable to achieve something first.
Until next week, Earthlings.
Do try to remember that constitutions are not suggestions, observatories deserve protecting, memorials exist to honour sacrifice rather than ego, and if someone proposes a fourth term… it may be worth quietly checking whether they can still count to two.
Is Jodrell Bank under threat?
The iconic Jodrell Bank installation and telescope may be at risk due to possible funding changes
Read moreDetails
Jodrell Bank funding to be stopped: now a real risk of closure
Jodrell Bank is set to close in 2028 unless new funding is secured.Now including statement from MP Sarah Russell
Read moreDetails
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