Greetings, Earthlings. It is I, Xylb’tok, your increasingly bewildered Martian correspondent, reporting once again from the comparative tranquillity of Mars – where football referees tend to stand by their decisions, ceasefires generally cease firing, and our geography lessons have yet to confuse Japan with Iran.
The Lunar Haggis are still thoroughly obsessed with football. One has become convinced it could referee the World Cup better than most humans, another has painted itself in Belgian colours after last week’s match, and Grzz’lax has been forced to introduce VAR after a particularly heated dispute involving an inflatable sheep and what may or may not have been offside.
Meanwhile, on Earth, the political circus has once again kicked off.
Let us begin.
The red card that wasn’t
Agent Orange recently became rather more involved in the World Cup than is customary for a head of state.
This week, before the United States faced Belgium in the last 16, he personally lobbied FIFA President Gianni Infantino over the suspension handed to American striker Folarin Balogun following his controversial red card against Bosnia and Herzegovina. FIFA subsequently suspended the one-match ban, allowing Balogun to take his place against Belgium after all. The red card itself remained on his record, but the suspension was effectively postponed.
Now, Earthlings, influencing who is allowed to play is one thing. Winning the match is quite another. Because despite having their star striker available, the United States still went on to lose 4-1.
One cannot help wondering what happened next. Did someone explain that overturning a suspension does not automatically overturn the scoreline? Did VAR somehow miss four Belgian goals? Quite frankly we would not be at all surprised if The Orange one next lobbies his BFF to overturn the 4 goals and suddenly declare them illegal. Or has Belgium simply failed to appreciate the art of losing in a sufficiently patriotic manner?
The Belgian team, displaying a rather commendable sense of humour, celebrated by mimicking Trump’s trademark YMCA dance after the final whistle before posting a simple message on social media alongside the result:
“Overturn this.”
From Mars, we have to admire the efficiency of the comeback.
The Lunar Haggis briefly attempted a similar appeal during the Martian Cup Final, arguing that every goal conceded should count as “fake football”. Their application was rejected unanimously, and when they lost, they resisted the temptation to appeal the existence of the opposing team.
Even they accepted defeat with rather more dignity.
Pardons as party favours
As America prepared for its 250th birthday celebrations, reports suggested that the Overipe Satsuma is considering a fresh wave of high-profile presidential pardons. Among those reportedly being discussed is Sean “P Diddy” Combs, alongside several other well-known figures.
Earthlings, birthdays are traditionally marked with cake, speeches and perhaps the occasional fireworks display. They are not generally commemorated by browsing the justice system like a restaurant menu.
From Mars, presidential pardons have always appeared to be one of your stranger constitutional features. An extraordinary power intended to correct injustice occasionally develops into something resembling a celebrity raffle.
One almost expects invitations to read:
“Congratulations! Thank you for attending America’s birthday. Please collect your commemorative pardon at the exit.”
The Penguin quietly asked whether convictions now come with loyalty points.
No one answered.
The Islamic Republic of… Japan?
The NATO summit produced one of the week’s more remarkable geographical discoveries.
Agent Orange referred to the “Islamic Republic of Japan” when discussing attacks on an American aircraft carrier.
We had to check that our translator wasn’t malfunctioning or that the Lunar Haggis hadn’t bitten through one of its cables before confirming that indeed Captain Bonespurs had managed to completely rewrite both geography and history in one foul swoop.
Donald, listen very carefully…
Japan. Iran. These are not interchangeable.
One is an East Asian island nation renowned for advanced technology, sushi and exceptionally efficient railways. The other is a Middle Eastern republic situated several thousand miles away.
The Martian Department of Galactic Cartography immediately requested confirmation that Earth had not quietly rearranged itself overnight. It had not.
Grzz’lax produced a globe, pointed patiently at both countries and sighed the sigh of someone who knows this explanation may ultimately prove futile.
The Lunar Haggis briefly wondered whether Belgium might now be located in South America. They were immediately sent back to geography lessons.
Ceasefire number… we’ve genuinely lost count
Speaking of international affairs, Trump’s much-celebrated ceasefire appears to have collapsed once again.
By our calculations this represents approximately the 617th occasion on which the peace agreement has stopped being particularly peaceful.
Regular readers will remember how this began:
There was a functioning Strait of Hormuz.
Then came bombing.
Then came threats.
Then came promises of swift victory.
Then came declarations of peace.
Followed almost immediately by the absence of it.
At this stage the phrase “permanent ceasefire” has begun to resemble one of those supermarket offers permanently labelled ends soon. It never actually ends. It simply reappears wearing a slightly different sticker.
The truly tragic reality, of course, is that behind the headlines remain real people living with genuine consequences while politicians continue announcing breakthroughs that rarely survive the week.
The Lunar Haggis attempted to negotiate a ceasefire after an argument over whisky rations. It lasted until lunchtime. Remarkably, that still exceeds several recent diplomatic efforts.
Birthright and the inevitable appeal
El Taco also suffered a significant legal setback this week after losing the latest challenge concerning birthright citizenship.
Naturally… He appealed. Because of course he would. That’s what he does. Someone says no and he shouts and shouts and shouts. He’s your neighbour’s toddler bully in the sandbox.
This has become one of the great constants of modern politics. Lose. Declare victory anyway. Appeal. Repeat until somebody else gets tired.
There is something almost reassuring about the predictability of it all.
The appeal arrived so quickly that we suspect the paperwork may already have been filled in before the judgment was delivered. On Mars we call this Pre-Emptive Outrage Preparation.
The Lunar Haggis employ a similar strategy whenever board games are involved. They draft their complaints before anyone has rolled the dice.
Meloni versus the all-caps machine
The increasingly entertaining diplomatic spat between Trump and Giorgia Meloni has continued to escalate.
This week the Tango-in-Chief took to Truth Social to declare – in the traditional language of entirely unnecessary capital letters – that a restraining order was required.
Earthlings, few things announce calm, measured confidence quite like posting in full capitals about someone allegedly requiring legal distance.
The relationship has deteriorated with remarkable speed. Only a short while ago photographs suggested warmth, cooperation and carefully choreographed diplomacy.
Now we appear to have reached the political equivalent of deleting holiday photographs while arguing over who keeps the air fryer.
The Lunar Haggis have become deeply invested in the saga.
One is currently selling popcorn.
Business, I am told, is booming.
Mount Rushmore, now with added gold
Finally, we must once again turn our attention to the strange and ever-expanding world of presidential AI imagery.
This week’s masterpiece depicts Agent Orange upon Mount Rushmore.
Naturally.
Because merely standing alongside George Washington was apparently no longer sufficient.
There was, however, an additional flourish.
The mountain itself had become gold.
Of course it had.
Earthlings, I am beginning to suspect that somewhere inside the White House exists a large button marked more gold, which is pressed whenever inspiration fails.
The latest image follows Atlas, golden eagles, robots, heroic portraits and enough digital self-portraits to fill an art gallery devoted entirely to one man’s reflection.
We remain fascinated by the obsession.
Mount Rushmore already commemorates four presidents whose influence shaped your nation.
Adding a fifth face via artificial intelligence feels rather less like history and rather more like someone quietly editing Wikipedia after midnight.
The Martian Museum of Geological Features reviewed the image before issuing a brief statement:
“Mountains are not generally improved by gold plating.”
Quite.
Closing reflections from orbit
Week 73 has reminded us that image remains one of Earth’s favourite political currencies.
Football defeats become refereeing conspiracies.
Geography becomes optional.
Peace becomes temporary.
History becomes editable.
And mountains become another canvas upon which ego may be projected in increasingly reflective shades of gold.
From Mars, we continue to observe with equal parts fascination and concern. Your civilisation remains capable of astonishing scientific achievement, extraordinary acts of kindness and breathtaking feats of engineering.
It is also apparently capable of confusing Japan with Iran while proposing to redecorate Mount Rushmore.
The contrast remains… remarkable.
Up here, the Lunar Haggis have abandoned football management and are now attempting to nominate themselves for the Martian Mount Rushmore, despite Mars having neither presidents nor Mount Rushmore. Grzz’lax has confiscated the chisels, hidden the gold paint and quietly reminded everyone that history is something to learn from, not something to Photoshop.
Until next week, Earthlings.
Do try to remember that referees cannot change scorelines, maps remain useful, ceasefires work best when they actually cease the firing, and if every monument you imagine eventually turns gold… it may not be the monuments that require polishing.
Friends of Bylines Network
There has never been a greater need for grassroots journalism that investigates the stories that really matter, holds power to account and champions the voices of everyday citizens. We are proudly powered by volunteers but what we do isn’t free.
STAND WITH US for independent, citizen-led journalism that makes democracy stronger, and you will even get some exclusive benefits.
