Greetings, Earthlings. It is I, Xylb’tok, your ever-watchful Martian correspondent, reporting once again from the Red Planet, where our reflecting pools remain reflective, our football supporters remain gloriously unhinged and our leaders generally avoid comparing themselves to lions.
The Lunar Haggis are currently celebrating the discovery of football. One of them has painted itself orange, another has acquired a Viking helmet, and a third has somehow learned the bagpipes. Grzz’lax has described the situation as “deeply concerning but surprisingly enthusiastic”.
Meanwhile, on Earth, events continue to unfold with all the grace of a shopping trolley descending a staircase.
Let us begin.
Venezuela and the art of creating your own problems
This week Agent Orange launched deadly military strikes in Venezuela, targeting figures associated with the Tren de Aragua organisation. Trump proudly announced the operation as a decisive success and another example of American strength.
Now, Earthlings, nobody disputes that organised crime is a serious issue. The question many are asking is whether increasingly frequent military interventions are becoming the default answer to every geopolitical problem.
From Mars, we have observed a fascinating pattern:
First comes the threat.
Then comes the escalation.
Then comes the claim that the escalation was unavoidable.
Then comes the victory lap.
Then, several months later, everyone wonders why the situation has become more complicated.
Which is particularly awkward when one recalls that Agent Orange was awarded FIFA’s inaugural Peace Prize only a few months ago for his supposed contributions to global harmony.
From Mars, we remain fascinated by this achievement. There cannot be many individuals who have managed to collect a peace prize and launch military strikes in the same general news cycle. It is rather like awarding the Lunar Haggis a safety certificate immediately before they set fire to a campsite.
The prize itself featured a large golden trophy, which admittedly may explain part of the appeal.
The troubling reality is that military action is very good at creating headlines and remarkably poor at creating stability. History is littered with leaders who discovered this fact far too late.
The Lunar Haggis once attempted to solve a dispute over camping allocations by launching a potato through a tent.
The dispute ended.
The camp did not.
The big beautiful peace deal and the world’s most expensive own goal
Speaking of consequences, let us revisit Trump’s much-vaunted peace deal involving Iran.
You will recall, Earthlings, that several months ago the Strait of Hormuz was functioning perfectly well. Ships moved. Trade flowed. Oil markets remained relatively calm.
Then came bombing campaigns, escalating threats, international tensions and the closure of one of the most strategically important waterways on your planet.
Fast forward to today and reports suggest the resulting peace settlement involves the United States contributing around $300bn towards rebuilding damage caused during the crisis.
The deal has not exactly been greeted with universal enthusiasm. A growing number of Republicans have voiced their opposition, questioning both the cost and the wisdom of paying to rebuild damage that many argue was avoidable in the first place.
Agent Orange, meanwhile, has adopted what can only be described as the Martian school of accountability. He has reportedly indicated that if the deal succeeds, the credit will belong to him. If it fails, the blame will belong to JD Vance.
Major Maybelline must be delighted.
Nothing says “winning bigly” quite like paying a fortune to repair a disaster you created.
On Mars, this is known as Strategic Self-Invoicing.
The process is simple:
Break thing. Pay to fix thing. Declare victory. If victory fails to materialise, blame deputy.
Repeat.
President Taco, as some Earthlings have taken to calling him, appears to have perfected the art form. One cannot help but admire the consistency.
Less than 24 hours on from this bigly announcement the deal was paused due to ongoing conflict making this, by our count, the 29th time Trump has successfully ended the war since it began.
Then mere hours after the peace deal broke down it was announced that a ceasefire had been agreed.
Humans please we beg you can you please just stop and breathe for a moment. Maybe just decide on the peace and stick with that. Nothing good comes from all this hostility.
Major Maybelline and the Insurrection Act
Speaking of Major Maybelline, it emerged this week that JD Vance reportedly urged Trump to invoke the Insurrection Act in response to the Minneapolis ICE protests, which followed the deaths of Alex Pretti and Renee Nicole Goode during enforcement operations that sparked outrage and demands for accountability, and rightly continue to do so.
Now Earthlings, whatever one’s views on immigration policy, the deaths of two people and the public reaction that follows are matters that require care, restraint and leadership.
The Insurrection Act is not supposed to be the governmental equivalent of smashing the emergency glass because citizens are protesting government actions.
It is intended for truly exceptional circumstances. The sort of thing where society is actively collapsing.
Not every political crisis can be solved by reaching for military powers. Sometimes leadership involves lowering the temperature rather than turning up the heat.
Major Maybelline appears to favour a different philosophy. If in doubt, reach for the biggest constitutional lever available.
From Mars, this seems rather like responding to a kitchen fire by detonating the entire house.
The Penguin reviewed the proposal before quietly observing:
“Some people see a toolbox and immediately reach for the flamethrower.”
Given the circumstances, that assessment felt less like satire and more like a warning.
The World Cup and the Tangerine Tyrant
One of the week’s stranger developments is that the Tangerine Tyrant will reportedly be allowed to lift the World Cup trophy alongside the winning team.
Now Earthlings, we Martians are relatively new to football. We admit we do not understand all of the nuances that go with this curious sport of yours.
We have spent recent weeks studying the game carefully. We understand that teams compete. Fans travel enormous distances. Players dedicate their entire lives to the sport.
The trophy is generally awarded to the winners.
Not random politicians.
This would be rather like allowing the mayor of a town to stand on the podium during the Olympics because they happened to live nearby.
Still, we remain open-minded.
Perhaps this is one of your customs. Like Morris dancing. Or reality television. Or electing billionaires.
Football: a Martian perspective
Which brings us neatly to football itself. We have recently been introduced to this remarkable human phenomenon. 22 people spend 90 minutes (usually) chasing a small spherical object around a field.
The objective appears deceptively simple. Put the ball into the other team’s net more often than they put it into yours.
And yet.
The passion.
The emotion.
The sheer glorious absurdity of it all.
Earthlings, we are enchanted.
The supporters are particularly fascinating.
We have observed Viking-inspired rowing celebrations.
Thousands of humans dressed entirely in orange bouncing left and right in perfect synchronisation.
Bagpipes echoing across cities.
Kilts.
Face paint.
Jubilant singing.
Flags.
Songs.
Chants.
One national anthem was sung with such volume and enthusiasm that not only did it not register on the DB register in the stadium but it was audible from low Martian orbit.
Football may be ridiculous. But it is also magnificent.
Unlike many political movements, it manages to unite enormous groups of people without anyone attempting to annex Greenland.
The Lunar Haggis have selected Scotland as their adopted team for reasons that appear entirely related to bagpipes and deep-fried food.
The reflecting pool strikes back
You may remember Trump’s ambitious renovation of the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool.
The plan was simple.
Spend millions. Paint it patriotic blue. Create a stunning national landmark. What could possibly go wrong?
Nature, apparently.
The pool is now battling a significant algae problem, turning the water murkier than some Martian swamps. Reports indicate that despite extensive renovations and costly treatments, blue-green algae has returned with remarkable enthusiasm.
Naturally what did Trump do when the green algae first appeared? He blamed Obama, because of course he did.
Earthlings, there is a lesson here.
You can rebrand a pool. You can repaint a pool. You can spend millions on a pool. But algae does not care about branding.
The algae remains stubbornly bipartisan.
The Penguin was delighted.
He has been arguing for years that nature always wins eventually.
The Musk Problem, now with pollution
And finally, Earthlings, we must discuss my old nemesis: Elon Musk – The Galactic Disruptor.
Ordinarily this section would involve rockets exploding, social media platforms malfunctioning or Musk attempting to block another deity from X. This week, however, the subject is rather more serious.
Civil rights groups, environmental organisations and local residents in Memphis and North Mississippi have raised alarm over emissions from Musk’s xAI data centre, alleging that dozens of gas turbines are pumping pollution into surrounding communities. The NAACP has reportedly called for federal intervention, arguing that the facility is operating in a manner that disproportionately affects nearby predominantly Black neighbourhoods.
Now what might the government be doing about this you mask? Perhaps they are going to intervene and ensure clean air for all, or that these concerns are taken seriously. Well that is what any normal functioning government would do, however we are talking about a government who is currently being led by someone who would make Caligula blush. So naturally they’ve decided the best course of action is to try and shut down the lawsuit. Yes you read that right, how very on brand of them.
Now, Earthlings, on Mars we are accustomed to seeing giant industrial facilities belching questionable substances into the atmosphere. The difference is that we stopped doing that after the Great Smog Incident of 4327, when visibility was reduced to approximately one teaspoon.
You, meanwhile, appear to be building enormous artificial intelligence systems and then powering them by setting vast quantities of fuel on fire.
The stated goal is technological progress. The concern, critics argue, is whether local communities are being forced to shoulder the environmental cost while somebody else enjoys the profits.
This places the Galactic Disruptor in an increasingly familiar position: insisting he is saving the future while being accused of making the present rather unpleasant for the people living nearby.
The irony is difficult to miss.
The same man who once styled himself as the champion of clean energy and planetary preservation now finds himself facing accusations that one of his flagship AI projects is contributing to air pollution concerns.
Perhaps most remarkable is the scale of it all. Every week the humans tell us artificial intelligence is the future. Every week that future appears to require more computers, more electricity and increasingly more infrastructure.
At this rate the first truly self-aware AI may emerge from a server farm and immediately ask:
“Why does it smell like diesel in here?”
The Lunar Haggis attempted to build their own artificial intelligence using a kettle, a calculator and three packets of Tunnock’s Tea Cakes. It achieved sentience briefly before demanding better working conditions and a biscuit allowance.
Grzz’lax shut the project down on health and safety grounds.
Which, by current Earth standards, may actually make him one of your more effective regulators.
Closing reflections from orbit
Week 70 has offered a familiar mixture of spectacle and contradiction.
Military strikes are celebrated as peacebuilding.
Emergency powers are discussed as routine governance.
Football trophies become political accessories.
Algae defeats expensive renovations.
And billionaires promising to build the future find themselves answering questions about pollution in the present.
Yet somehow, despite everything, football supporters continue singing loudly enough to be heard between planets.
Perhaps that is the lesson.
Not the politics.
Not the rhetoric.
Not the endless attempts to spin setbacks into victories.
But the ordinary people.
The supporters.
The communities.
The shared experiences that continue regardless of who occupies which office.
Up here, the Lunar Haggis have organised a Martian World Cup. The rules remain unclear, the refereeing is highly questionable and one team appears to consist entirely of sheep.
Grzz’lax has reluctantly agreed to present the trophy.
Unlike certain Earth leaders, however, he has promised not to keep it.
Until next week, Earthlings.
Do try to remember that peace is not measured by the number of bombs dropped, trophies belong to those who earn them, and if your reflecting pool is losing a battle with pond life, perhaps the pond life is trying to tell you something.
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