Greetings, Earthlings. It is I, Xylb’tok, your long-suffering Martian correspondent, reporting once more from the relative sanity of Mars, where statues are not routinely threatened, geography still functions correctly and nobody has yet attempted to compare a swimming pool to a skyscraper.
The Lunar Haggis are currently engaged in an argument over whether a crater can be considered “larger” than a mountain if it is wider. Grzz’lax has already ruled that the answer is no. This puts him several steps ahead of certain Earth politicians.
Let us begin.
Identity crisis at the Pentagon
The Pentagon has reportedly removed around 180 religious identities from personnel records.
Now Earthlings, we understand that databases occasionally require updating. Records change. Categories evolve. Bureaucracy is a mysterious beast.
What raised eyebrows was the sheer scale of the deletion.
180 distinct faith identities vanished from the system, leaving many service members wondering why recognition of their beliefs had suddenly become optional.
From Mars, where our census forms include 17 recognised varieties of volcanic mysticism and three separate schools of competitive crater worship, this seems unnecessarily reductive.
The official explanation centres on streamlining and standardisation.
As you know, “streamlining” is one of those wonderful political words that can mean almost anything. Sometimes it means improving efficiency. Sometimes it means deleting things. Sometimes it may even mean doing something borderline fashy because you have a problem with people that are different.
The distinction is important.
The Lunar Haggis once streamlined their inventory records. They subsequently lost track of three tents, a hovercart and an entire accordion orchestra.
The Statue of Liberty and the bulldozer doctrine
Meanwhile, the Department of Justice has reportedly argued that Donald Trump possesses the authority to demolish the Statue of Liberty should he wish to do so.
We would like to emphasise that this is not a sentence we expected to write.
The Statue of Liberty is arguably one of the most recognisable symbols on Earth. It represents freedom, democracy and the welcoming of newcomers.
Apparently it is now also considered hypothetical demolition material.
The administration insists this is a matter of presidential authority and legal powers.
The rest of humanity seems more focused on a different question.
Why is this even being discussed?
There are many landmarks a leader might theoretically destroy.
Most people simply never bring it up.
The Penguin stared at the report for several minutes before quietly asking:
“Has anyone checked whether they understand what symbols are for?”
No answer was forthcoming.
Freedom 250 and the guests who declined freedom
Trump’s Freedom 250 celebration continues to gather momentum.
Unfortunately, the guest list appears to be travelling in the opposite direction.
Several high-profile celebrities have now declined invitations to attend the event.
This follows weeks of confusion surrounding the concert lineup, during which multiple performers appeared surprised to discover they had supposedly agreed to perform.
The White House lawn already features the now infamous UFC cage as eagle-eyed readers of my missives will already know.
The entertainment lineup is shrinking. The celebrity attendance is dwindling.
At this point the event increasingly resembles a birthday party organised by someone who sent invitations before checking whether anybody was free.
Still, we are sure the atmosphere will be festive.
Nothing says “celebrating democracy” quite like a cage fight outside the executive mansion.
D-Day, lions and camels and bins, oh my!
D-Day is generally regarded as a solemn occasion. A moment for remembrance. A time to honour sacrifice. A time to recognise those that came before us and fought for our freedom and those that paid the ultimate price.
Naturally, Agent Orange marked the anniversary by posting an AI-generated video all about himself which featured motorbikes, camels and him riding a lion. Narcissus thy name is Donald!
The video reportedly depicted him majestically mounted upon a giant feline as though auditioning for an unusually patriotic remake of The Lion King.
This was accompanied by an image portraying Barack Obama’s presidential library as a rubbish bin.
Earthlings, there are many ways to commemorate one of history’s most significant military operations. This was certainly one of them.
The contrast was remarkable.
While veterans, historians and world leaders reflected upon courage and loss, the Commander-in-Chief, Captain Bonespurs himself, appeared to be starring in his own AI-generated fantasy adventure.
The Lunar Haggis attempted to recreate the image using a goat and a shopping trolley.
The results were less majestic than anticipated.
Pete Hogsbreath and the invasion that wasn’t
Speaking of D-Day, Pete Hogsbreath decided that the anniversary presented an excellent opportunity not to commemorate Allied sacrifice but to launch another attack on Europe. Perhaps worse still he was speaking in Normandy, France some 82 years since allied forces stormed French beaches to liberate Europe from the Nazis.
Referring to migration, he declared that European beaches are now being “stormed by dangerous ideologies” and questioned when European capitals would do something about the so-called invasion.
The choice of language was, to put it mildly, extraordinary.
D-Day commemorates one of the most significant military invasions in modern history.
Thousands died fighting fascism.
Using the anniversary primarily as a vehicle for culture-war rhetoric felt less like statesmanship and more like somebody mistaking a memorial service for a campaign rally.
You can put a suit on a buffoon.
You can give him a podium.
You can even give him a cabinet position.
A gentleman, however, remains stubbornly harder to manufacture.
The Penguin responded with a level stare usually reserved for malfunctioning machinery.
Albania’s message received loud and clear
Over in Albania, protests continue against Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump’s proposed development on Sazan Island.
You may recall that Ivanka once described herself as having “discovered” the island.
A fascinating claim. Particularly given that it appeared on maps more than a century before her alleged discovery.
One does not generally discover places already occupied by history, geography and cartography.
The Albanian protesters have nevertheless been impressively consistent.
Their message appears to be: “No thank you.”
Embed: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lVFjDm7FB-Q
It is a simple message. But often the most effective ones are.
The Lunar Haggis once attempted to discover a crater already named after Grzz’lax.
The resulting lecture lasted six hours.
Chagos Islands: the next target
Having failed to acquire Greenland, then repeatedly mused about Canada and threatened various other sovereign territories, Trump has now hinted at taking the Chagos Islands.
Earthlings, this is becoming a pattern.
At first observers treated such comments as jokes.
Then as negotiating tactics.
Then as distractions.
The difficulty is that when someone repeatedly talks about acquiring places, eventually people begin to wonder whether they are serious.
Recent events suggest that dismissing every territorial ambition as humour may not be the safest strategy.
History is littered with examples of leaders who said exactly what they intended to do long before anyone believed them.
We therefore repeat our earlier advice.
When somebody repeatedly tells you something alarming, consider the possibility that they mean it.
Pools, skyscrapers and geometry’s darkest hour
This week Trump proudly displayed a sign boasting that the newly painted Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool was larger than skyscrapers.
Yes.
A pool.
Larger.
Than skyscrapers.
Earthlings, skyscrapers generally extend vertically. Pools generally extend horizontally.
This is rather important.
Comparing them directly is like claiming a pancake is taller than a giraffe because it occupies more surface area.
The sign appeared intended to celebrate the scale of a construction project.
Instead it accidentally became a case study in why geometry matters.
The Lunar Haggis spent several hours debating whether a sausage roll was larger than Olympus Mons.
Grzz’lax simply ate the sausage and thus stopped the debate..
Lincoln, apparently facing the wrong way
As if that were not enough, Trump also suggested that the Lincoln Memorial is facing the wrong direction.
Now, we are not architects. Nor are we historians. But we are reasonably confident that rotating an enormous national monument is not equivalent to turning a garden ornament.
One does not simply locate the giant ceremonial handle and give it a few turns.
The Lincoln Memorial has occupied its current position for over a century. Presumably somebody considered where to place it.
The proposal immediately prompted questions regarding practicality, cost and whether anyone involved had actually looked at a map.
The Penguin briefly considered explaining urban planning before deciding it was not worth the effort.
Trade deficits and accidental celebrations
Finally, we arrive at perhaps the week’s most baffling moment.
Trump took to social media to post about the United States trade deficit widening by the largest amount in 34 years.
He appeared genuinely delighted.
Now Earthlings, trade deficits are complicated. Economists debate them endlessly. But generally speaking, widening deficits are not normally announced with the enthusiasm of a championship victory parade.
This has led some observers to wonder whether we have entered a new phase of political communication.
A phase where any statistic becomes positive provided it is sufficiently large and can somehow be presented as outperforming Obama or Biden.
The logic appears to be:
If number bigger.
Then number good.
This is not, traditionally, how economics works.
The Lunar Haggis once celebrated setting a record for supply losses. It turned out they had simply misplaced half the supplies.
Closing reflections from orbit
Week 69 has been a masterclass in confusion.
Religious identities disappear from databases. National monuments become hypothetical demolition projects. D-Day becomes an AI lion parade. Pools defeat skyscrapers. Trade deficits become achievements.
And somewhere in the background, discussions continue about acquiring islands, countries and territories as though they were limited-edition collector’s items.
From Mars, the most striking feature is not any single event. It is the growing tendency to treat reality as negotiable.
History becomes branding. Facts become suggestions. Geometry becomes optional.
Up here, the Lunar Haggis have finally accepted that width and height are different measurements. Grzz’lax has awarded them a certificate of basic spatial awareness, which they immediately attempted to frame upside down.
Progress, Earthlings, comes in many forms.
Until next week.
Do try to remember that monuments are not garden furniture, trade deficits are not trophies, and if your pool is bigger than a skyscraper, you may have misunderstood at least one of those things.
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