Greetings Earthlings, it is I, Xylb’tok, transmitting once again from the glorious rust-red serenity of Mars – still proudly free of golf resorts, anti-weaponisation slush funds and Elon Musk, though not for lack of trying on his part.
The lunar haggis are currently barricaded inside Hangar Seven after taking grave offence at comments made by a Reform candidate comparing Makerfield to the surface of Mars. Grzz’lax attempted diplomacy but was met with several flying tattie scones and what appeared to be a deeply emotional accordion performance accompanied by some anguised wailing.
Tensions remain high.
Let us begin.
The anti-weaponisation fund, or ‘cashback for coups’
Earthlings, cast your minds back to January 6 2021 – that cheerful little incident where a mob stormed the Capitol, assaulted police officers and attempted to overturn an election while dressed like the aftermath of a medieval comic convention.
Well.
Captain Chaos (Donald Trump) has now helped create what is being called an “Anti-Weaponisation Fund” – a staggering almost $1.8bn pot of money ostensibly designed to compensate people allegedly targeted by political prosecutions. Critics, however, have pointed out a rather obvious issue:
It could potentially allow January 6 rioters to sue the government for payouts.
Yes. Earthlings. The people who attacked police officers may now be in line for compensation from taxpayers.
On Mars, this would be equivalent to reimbursing asteroid pirates for emotional distress caused during their arrest.
Even more remarkably, acting Attorney General Todd Blanche reportedly refused to rule out payouts going to violent January 6 offenders. The optics here are, to use the scientific term, absolutely bananas.
Two officers who defended the Capitol have already filed suit to block the fund, describing it as unconstitutional and dangerous. And honestly? One can see their point.
There is something profoundly unsettling about a democracy potentially rewarding people who attempted to derail democracy itself.
The Lunar Haggis briefly proposed creating a “Misunderstood Behaviour Fund” after being banned from operating forklifts. Grr’zlaxx rejected the application immediately on the grounds that “setting fire to the loading bay is not a protected political opinion”.
Tax audits? Never heard of them
Speaking of consequences mysteriously evaporating, Trump and his family are now effectively exempt from tax audits relating to past claims and filings following an extraordinary settlement agreement tied to his IRS lawsuit.
Earthlings, there are conflicts of interest… and then there is whatever this is.
The arrangement reportedly bars the IRS from pursuing existing matters connected to Trump, his businesses and his relatives.
Now, on Mars, if a leader sued the tax authority and then emerged immune from tax scrutiny while simultaneously establishing a billion-dollar compensation fund for political allies, there would at minimum be several emergency meetings and probably a ceremonial screaming circle.
Instead, on Earth, this appears to have been filed under “Wednesday”.
Critics have called it corruption. Legal scholars have described the fund as unprecedented. Meanwhile the administration insists everything is perfectly legitimate.
Which, again, tends to be your species’ warning siren.
The Penguin examined the paperwork for 14 minutes before quietly whispering:
“That cannot possibly be how laws work.”
We were unable to reassure him.
Mars insulted by Reform candidate
Now Earthlings, I must address a deeply personal matter.
A Reform UK candidate for Makerfield recently described the area as being “like driving over the surface of Mars”.
Frankly, we are appalled.
Mars has standards.
We have functioning crater maintenance, excellent volcanic vistas and significantly fewer potholes than your Greater Manchester.
The Lunar Haggis have lodged a formal complaint with the Interplanetary Defamation Council, arguing that comparing Mars to British road infrastructure constitutes “malicious celestial slander”.
Grzz’lax supported the complaint but noted that “at least Mars possesses coherent planning permission laws”.
Still, it is deeply concerning to see our beautiful planet dragged into terrestrial by-election rhetoric. Even worse still is that this Kenyon chap or whatever his name is hasn’t even been to Mars. Not only that but this Armstrong person that this turquoise dressed carbon unit mentions has never been to Mars either. I would like to state for the record that unlike a certain person with an orange hue denying knowing a certain other person up until this ridiculous outburst we had never heard of this guy nor did we want to know this guy and yet here we are being dragged into some political shenanigans.
We would also like to point out that nobody on Mars has ever attempted to pave over a historic site in order to install a vape shop and a Ladbrokes.
Perspective, Earthlings.
Perspective.
The galactic disruptor blocks God
Unfortunately, my archnemesis has returned.
Elon Musk – The Galactic Disruptor, Emperor of Overcompensation and Self-Appointed Techno Pharaoh – has apparently blocked “God” on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
Yes. Literally God.
Now, whether this account genuinely represents a divine omnipotence or simply an anonymous user with excellent branding is almost beside the point.
Because the symbolism is exquisite.
There is something almost poetic about a billionaire attempting to silence the Almighty on his own platform.
One imagines the internal moderation ticket:
“Reason for suspension?”
“Omniscience.”
In solidarity, Martian engineers are now developing advanced atmospheric shielding technology designed specifically to prevent Musk from entering our planet permanently.
The prototype system detects approaching ego signatures and redirects them directly into the Sun.
Progress has been encouraging.
Cuba, Venezuela and the terrifying power of “jokes”
The United States has now indicted Raúl Castro amid escalating rhetoric surrounding Cuba.
Now ordinarily this might be viewed purely as a legal or diplomatic development.
But Earthlings, context matters.
Because this comes after repeated “jokes” from Trump about taking Cuba.
And here is the problem.
Your species keeps treating these statements as humour right up until they suddenly stop being jokes.
You did this with Greenland.
You did this with Venezuela.
You did this with the tariffs.
You did this with NATO.
You did this with the third term comments.
At some point, a pattern ceases to be comedy and becomes intent on wearing novelty glasses.
From Mars, this situation is beginning to look alarmingly like Venezuela 2.0 – another sovereign nation slowly drifting into the orbit of acquisition rhetoric and manufactured confrontation.
History teaches us that expansionist language rarely improves with repetition.
The Lunar Haggis attempted to annex a neighbouring storage locker “for security reasons”. Grr’zlaxx liberated it within the hour.
2032 and the forever presidency
Speaking of statements everyone laughs off until they suddenly become alarming, Trump once again suggested he might still be president in 2032.
Earthlings.
PLEASE.
PAY ATTENTION.
We have observed this pattern repeatedly:
First comes the “joke”.
Then comes the repetition.
Then comes the normalisation.
Then suddenly everyone acts surprised when the impossible becomes policy discussion.
The US Constitution currently limits presidents to two terms. This is not obscure information hidden in a volcano somewhere. It is one of the more famous constitutional provisions.
And yet the comments continue.
At this point, one suspects Trump views constitutional limits the way the Lunar Haggis view microwave instructions: technically visible, but fundamentally optional.
The Penguin has begun stress-folding copies of the Constitution into paper aeroplanes.
Prime Minister Trump of Israel, apparently
Finally, Earthlings, we arrive at perhaps the single most baffling statement of the week.
Donald Trump suggested (again) he could run for Prime Minister of Israel.
Now there are, scientifically speaking, several problems with this.
Firstly: he is not an Israeli citizen.
Secondly: he is not Jewish.
Thirdly – and this is the particularly awkward one – Israeli law requires prime ministers to have a reasonably clean criminal history in recent years.
And Trump’s legal record currently appears murkier than a swamp after a speedboat rally.
This is rather like me announcing plans to become King of Belgium despite lacking Belgian citizenship, constitutional legitimacy and any understanding whatsoever of waffles.
Yet somehow the statement entered public discourse with only mild confusion before the news cycle simply carried on.
This, perhaps, is the defining feature of Earth in 2026.
Nothing shocks you for long anymore.
The Lunar Haggis briefly attempted to elect a toaster as Supreme Chancellor. It lost narrowly to a traffic cone.
Grzz’lax declined to certify either result.
Closing reflections from orbit
Week 66 has reinforced an increasingly troubling Martian observation:
Earth no longer distinguishes clearly between governance, performance art and online trolling.
Insurrectionists become compensation claimants. Tax investigations evaporate. Presidents discuss extending power indefinitely. Billionaires block God. World leaders float annexations like holiday plans.
And through it all, the machinery of normal life somehow keeps grinding onward.
From Mars, this feels less like politics and more like a civilisation speed-running institutional stress tests.
Up here, the Lunar Haggis have finally calmed down after the Makerfield incident and are now repainting road signs around the colony to read:
“Mars – considerably smoother than Wigan.”
Grzz’lax has confiscated the paint, dissolved the signage committee and reminded everyone that interplanetary diplomacy “does not benefit from regional pothole comparisons”.
Until next week, Earthlings.
Do try to remember that constitutions are not suggestions, riots are not customer service disputes, and if Elon Musk blocks God, the problem may not lie with heaven.
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