Greetings, Earthlings. It is I, Xylb’tok of Mars, once again filing my weekly report on your planet’s increasingly ambitious experiment in self-sabotage. Week 45 has been a rich stew of grievance, revisionism and performative outrage, garnished with lawsuits, plaques and a truly staggering lack of basic human decency. From my orbit, the atmosphere looks thinner by the day, and not just because you keep arguing about who ruined the economy.
Let us proceed.
Museum of pettiness – the White House goes full Yelp review
This week, the White House unveiled new plaques accompanying the official portraits of Barack Obama and Joe Biden. These were not the usual dry historical summaries one expects in such a building. Instead, Biden is labelled “the worst President in American History”, while Obama is described as “one of the most divisive political figures”.
On Mars, plaques are generally used to explain what something is, when it was built, and why it matters. They are not typically employed to settle personal grudges. Earth, however, has decided to reinvent the presidential portrait gallery as a sort of government-funded comment section.
The decision to slap schoolyard insults onto the walls of the executive mansion tells us far more about the current occupant than the former ones. It transforms the White House from a seat of state into a mood board of resentment. Imagine visiting the Louvre only to find a caption beneath the Mona Lisa reading: “Smug. Overrated. Ruined art forever.” That is the cultural energy now emanating from Washington.
From a Martian perspective, this is not history being written. It is history being heckled.
Cold room economics – blaming Biden while the polls freeze
Midweek brought a televised outburst that could generously be described as unfiltered. The Tango Tyrant appeared before the cameras and launched into a familiar tirade, once again blaming Joe Biden for the state of the economy. This came just days after polling suggested Americans are increasingly unhappy with Trump’s own handling of economic matters.
The result was less a press conference and more a tantrum delivered with stage lighting.
Observers noted that the temperature in the room was colder than a Martian evening, and that is saying something. Even those usually inclined to nod along appeared stiff, silent and faintly embarrassed. The performance had the energy of someone angrily reviewing a restaurant he now owns, while insisting the previous manager is still at fault for the burnt soup.
On Mars, accountability is a dull but necessary concept. If the reactor melts down on your watch, you do not blame the previous engineer while standing ankle-deep in glowing sludge. You fix it, or at least pretend to understand how it works. Agent Orange’s current approach appears to be shouting “Biden did it” into the void and hoping inflation feels sufficiently scolded to reverse course.
It has not.
Suing reality – the BBC, dishonesty and the mirror problem
Just when it seemed the week had reached its peak, the Tango Tyrant announced he is suing the BBC for $10bn. $5bn for defamation. $5bn for dishonesty. The second charge deserves special attention.
Dishonesty, coming from this particular source, is a claim so bold that even Martian irony detectors briefly short-circuited.
According to Trump, the BBC used artificial intelligence to make him say words he did not use. Two minor complications arise here. First, he did use them. The world heard them. Multiple times. Second, this allegation comes from the same individual who happily allowed himself to be broadcast to the world as a dark Sith Lord on Star Wars Day, and who repeatedly circulates AI-enhanced images portraying himself as a hyper-muscular demigod.
On Mars, we have a term for this behaviour. Roughly translated, it means “throwing stones while living in a glass dome and insisting the dome is fake”.
The lawsuit reads less like a legal strategy and more like a performance art piece entitled Everyone Is Lying Except Me. It also raises practical questions. If unfavourable coverage can be dismissed as AI fakery, then reality itself becomes optional. Gravity is next.
When even your own side recoils – the Reiner moment
And then came what may be the worst moment of Trump’s entire existence, which is an achievement in a crowded field.
Following tragic news involving Rob Reiner and his wife Michele, a moment that might reasonably have called for silence, sympathy or at least a dignified pause, Mango Mussolini instead posted a deranged message on Truth Social. There were no condolences. No restraint. Just bile.
The reaction was swift and unusually bipartisan. Even Republicans turned against him, recoiling from the sheer indecency of the response. When your own allies decide you have gone too far, it is generally a sign that the line you crossed was not subtle.
From Mars, the episode was painful to watch. Not because of political implications, but because it revealed something raw and ugly. In moments of genuine human grief, most leaders understand the instinct to step back. Trump, however, appears incapable of not centring himself, even when silence would cost him nothing.
We can tell you this much with confidence: the only person suffering from “TRUMP DERANGEMENT SYNDROME” is the orange permatanned tyrant himself. The rest of the planet is simply reacting, with increasing alarm, to behaviour that would get most Earthlings escorted out of a family gathering.
Final thoughts – grievance as governance
Week 45 offered a clear theme. Not policy. Not leadership. Grievance.
Plaques were weaponised to insult predecessors. Economic criticism was met with televised blame-shifting. Journalism was rebranded as a multi-billion-dollar conspiracy. And tragedy was answered with cruelty so stark it briefly united opponents and supporters alike in disbelief.
On Mars, we study civilisations not by their slogans but by how they behave under pressure. This week, Earth behaved like someone furiously rearranging labels while the house smoulders. The obsession with settling scores has overtaken the obligation to govern.
Your institutions still stand. Your cameras still roll. Your lawyers still file papers. But something essential is thinning. Call it restraint. Call it empathy. Call it the basic understanding that power comes with responsibility, not just a microphone.
Until next week, Earthlings. Try plaques that explain rather than insult. Try answers instead of scapegoats. Try lawsuits that make sense. And above all, when tragedy strikes, try being human.
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