Greetings once again from the dustier and considerably more rational surface of Mars. This week Earth’s Follies involve ongoing psychodrama, democracy took another pounding, common sense was last seen fleeing towards Neptune, and your self-declared king of chaos, Donald J. Trump, continues his cosmic mission to turn the planet into a parody of itself. We Martians, with our superior antennae and a fondness for logic, are equal parts horrified and entertained.
Let us now begin our rundown of Earth’s Follies: Week 24 – a week that gave satire writers carpal tunnel and Martian diplomats full-blown space migraines.
Redskins Redux: what could be more Presidential?
Let us start with a truly presidential priority. Not world peace. Not climate change. Not even inflation. No, Donald Trump, that orange avatar of nostalgia and lawsuits, has declared war… on the Washington Commanders’ name.
In a baffling bit of political extortion, Trump has reportedly threatened to block a new stadium deal for the NFL team unless they revert to their previous name: the Redskins. Yes, the one that was retired for being wildly racist and culturally insensitive. Because in Trumpland, the only thing more sacred than golf is clinging to the past with the grip of a man holding a cheeseburger over a sewer grate.
Now, normally one might think that a president would focus on, say, healthcare or education. But no – Trump is out here moonlighting as a sports branding consultant from the 1950s. Meanwhile, actual Native American groups continue to ask politely (and then less politely) to please stop using their identities as mascots. But as we’ve learned, if it gets applause at a rally and fits on a red hat, nuance is out, and ignorance is in.
UNESCO? No thanks, say Earth’s greatest quitters
In another act of petty diplomatic vandalism, the United States has once again withdrawn from UNESCO. For those of you unfamiliar, UNESCO is a group committed to preserving global heritage and promoting peace through education.
So naturally, the US wants nothing to do with it.
One can only assume the rationale is that books are dangerous, education is overrated, and if you can’t bomb it or put a Trump logo on it, it’s probably communist. This is the second time the orange chaos goblin has flounced out of the cultural tent like a spoiled toddler denied dessert.
We Martians remain hopeful that America will eventually take the hint and withdraw from the Milky Way entirely. You can keep Elon though. We’ll even throw in a commemorative “Make Intergalactic Relations Great Again” mug.
Obamagate 2.0: The AI arrest no-one asked for
Just when you thought Earth’s conspiracy conveyor belt had run out of steam, Trump resurrected his long-standing feud with Barack Obama. This week, he demanded the arrest of the former president, helpfully illustrating his point by posting an AI-generated video of Obama being cuffed like a discount extra in Law & Order: Delusional Unit.
“No one is above the law,” Trump proclaimed, presumably while having his 34 felony convictions ironed onto a novelty T-shirt. The irony levels here are so high, our Martian irony sensors overloaded and started playing Britney Spears’ Oops!… I Did It Again.
Let us state this plainly: Trump, a man convicted in multiple jurisdictions, is now accusing Barack Obama of treason – yes, treason – without offering a shred of evidence. Naturally, there is none. But that hasn’t stopped him from publicly demanding Obama’s arrest and reportedly pressuring the Department of Justice to launch an investigation into the former president. It’s less a legal strategy and more a revenge fantasy with executive stationery. This is Earth’s justice system, apparently. It’s not just broken. It’s been reverse-engineered into interpretive dance.
France to Candace Owens: cease, desist, and grow up
Across the Atlantic, the French are not taking things lying down. President Emmanuel Macron has filed a defamation lawsuit against conservative commentator and professional attention-seeker Candace Owens for repeatedly claiming that his wife, Brigitte Macron, was born male.
While the Earth simmers, economies wobble, and the oceans choke on plastic, Candace Owens has been busy spreading medieval-level gossip about someone’s spouse. Macron, apparently done with pretending the internet is harmless, has decided to take legal action. And we say bon courage.
Of course, Owens has responded with her usual cocktail of faux outrage and self-victimisation. But the lawsuit, now filed in Delaware, brings the matter onto slightly less forgiving terrain. While it may not be the French courts, Delaware isn’t exactly the Wild West either – and unlike much of US political discourse, it still occasionally insists on things like evidence and consequences. Imagine that.
The Epstein Files: real, fake, or conveniently disappeared?
Now to the murky swamp of scandal that never quite dries out: the Epstein files. Trump is reportedly suing The Wall Street Journal over a letter they printed, allegedly from him, addressed to Jeffrey Epstein. Meanwhile, the Department of Justice has informed Trump that, yes, he is in the Epstein files. These would be the very same files that Trump and his party insist either never existed, have been faked by Biden and the democrats or are a hoax, perhaps they think they are a left-wing hologram created by George Soros and a rogue Roomba.
Despite repeatedly voting to block the release of these documents, Trump and GOP officials continue to claim they want transparency. It’s a fascinating strategy: deny the existence of something while desperately trying to stop anyone from seeing it. Like shouting, “There’s no cake!” while sitting on one and eating it through your trousers.
This week’s Epstein flap reached new absurdity levels when a CNN reporter informed Trump there were photos of Epstein at his wedding. Trump, in response, lost what little remained of his temper and accused the journalist of being “fake news” – which, on Earth, is shorthand for “said something I don’t like”.
Executive Orders against AI that isn’t nice enough
In a move that has surely sent every sentient toaster into a spiral of existential dread, Trump signed an executive order banning “woke AI” and regulating artificial intelligence that doesn’t praise him sufficiently.
That’s right. Earth now has legislation aimed at preventing your computers from being too honest.
One assumes that under this brave new system, AI models will be expected to deny climate change, claim that the Founding Fathers were MAGA supporters, and argue that Trump’s physical stats are more realistic than Marvel superheroes. If your algorithm doesn’t pass the loyalty test, it could be shut down, repurposed, or, in the case of one unlucky chatbot, forced to read The Art of the Deal on loop.
We Martians would like to clarify: AI does not have politics. It has data. But if you feed it garbage long enough, you’ll eventually get garbage back. Earthlings, we wish you luck. The robots are watching. And they are confused.
Coldplay, Cameras, and Corporate Carnage
In a subplot worthy of a Netflix dramedy, a kiss cam at a Coldplay concert in Boston has triggered a full-blown corporate scandal. The unsuspecting eye of the lens caught the CEO of Astronomer – a data company, not a stargazing club – mid-canoodle with someone who was very much not his spouse. Within hours, the footage went viral, rocketing across social media faster than a Martian probe through Saturn’s rings.
The fallout? Swift. A grovelling apology, purportedly from the CEO, began making the rounds online – only for the company to reveal it originated from a parody account unverified and unapologetically chaotic.
The real CEO? Silent – until he wasn’t. He resigned two days later, and the woman, HR Director at Astronomer, followed suit. No doubt both realised that “caught on Coldplay cam” is not a line you want in your professional obituary.
Naturally, the memes and re-enactments have been relentless: one man was seen on the Jumbatron at a Phillies game holding up a sign saying “this is my wife”, another meme circulated with a mock Lego kit called My First Affair and by far our favourite was the Phillies Phanatic reenactment. Earthlings, truly, you never miss an opportunity for digital drama.
Final words from the Martian Desk: when reality subscribes to parody
And so concludes another extraordinary week on Planet Earth – a spinning rock where conspiracy is currency, leadership is measured in tantrums, and the truth is buried under an avalanche of lawsuits, deepfakes and Kiss Cam calamities.
This week, your would-be kingpin of chaos threatened sports teams with stadium sabotage if they didn’t rename themselves something offensive, fled UNESCO like a man allergic to culture, threatened to arrest a former president using AI fan fiction, and told machines to stop being woke – whatever that now means in Earth’s ever-expanding glossary of nonsense. Elsewhere, France sued America’s loudest YouTube auntie, and the Epstein files both did and did not exist in a Schrödinger’s scandal of Republican design.
Meanwhile, a Coldplay concert exposed an extra-marital fumble, proving once again that when Earthlings say “the eyes of the world are watching,” they usually mean a phone camera wielded by a teenager who can upload in 0.3 seconds.
We Martians remain fascinated, albeit slightly queasy. If satire is dying on Earth, it’s only because reality keeps mugging it in a dark alley. Until next week, stay safe, stay rational – and maybe consider turning your AI off and your common sense back on.
