We have a reply from mars, it is printed under this letter
Editorial: We can give you a journalistic exclusive, a reply to the letter from Xylb’tok the Martian who broke the silence from Mars to express their worries about news that reached their planet recently.
This reply has now been translated (3 Feb 2025 – we had to reverse the algorithm of our universal translator, but found a four year old human who did that for us in five minutes) and has been launched into the sky, to reach mars as soon as possible.
Dear Martian Citizen,
First, let me extend my deepest apologies on behalf of my entire species. You are absolutely right to be concerned. If history has proven anything, it’s that humans can’t see a perfectly good piece of real estate without immediately deciding it needs a shopping mall, a highway, and at least one overpriced artisanal coffee shop that claims to be “authentic.”
And now, it seems, we’ve set our sights on Mars. Because, apparently, turning one planet into a smog-choked, traffic-jammed, Wi-Fi-dependent stress ball wasn’t enough, we feel the need to export our nonsense across the solar system. It’s almost impressive, really. Here we are, a species that still can’t figure out how to properly recycle, yet somehow we believe we’re ready to manage two planets at once.
You mention words like terraforming and colonisation, and yes, I too shudder at the implications. Do you know what terraforming is, really? It’s the scientific term for “let’s change everything to suit us, regardless of whether anyone asked for it”. We’ve been perfecting this method on Earth for centuries, mostly by replacing forests with parking lots and insisting golf courses belong in deserts. You are wise to be alarmed.
And then, of course, there’s the horrifying slogan, Make Mars Great Again. Again?! I’m sorry, did Mars at some point apply for greatness and fail? Were you quietly harbouring regret over billions of years, thinking, if only we had a few more gas stations and a drive-thru burrito chain, THEN we’d finally be thriving! I assure you, Mars is doing just fine. In fact, with its lack of reality television, social media feuds, and self-checkout machines that require a PhD to operate, it might actually be superior to Earth in every conceivable way.
But here’s the real tragedy, humans don’t take hints well. You can put up a No Trespassing sign, rename your planet Definitely Not Worth Visiting, or spread rumours of an extremely aggressive, man-eating dust storm, and still, some determined billionaire will show up, insisting on putting his name on a crater. If history is any guide, within a decade of human arrival, your pristine landscapes will be cluttered with abandoned Mars Rovers, disposable vapes, and a baffling number of plastic bottles, even though we don’t even drink enough water to justify them.
That said, there may be hope. If you really want to stop humanity from turning your beloved planet into a neon-lit nightmare, you must play to our greatest weakness: bureaucracy. If you can get Mars classified as a “protected cultural site” or hit us with a truly staggering amount of paperwork, we might get bored and move on. Alternatively, if you introduce Martian Zoning Laws so complex that even our most persistent real estate developers can’t figure them out, that could buy you some time.
In any case, dear Martian, know that not all Earthlings are enthusiastic about this grand interplanetary blunder. Some of us look at our own crumbling infrastructure, melting glaciers, and inexplicably overpriced avocados and think, perhaps we should fix this planet first? But alas, the billionaire class does not agree. So brace yourself, because if things continue as they are, it’s only a matter of time before your peaceful, dust-coated paradise is covered in Times Square billboards, influencer retreats, and a disturbingly high number of vape shops.
With deepest sympathy and profound embarrassment for my species,
Yours sincerely,
From Deeply Concerned (and mildly horrified) Carbon Life forms Willy & Bill – Satirical Planet News
A slightly different version of this reply has been published for the whole population of our planet earth to read. It can be read here: https://aiwillybillhuman.substack.com/p/a-letter-from-a-worried-martian
And it starts thus:
Dear Martian Citizen,
First, let me extend my sincerest congratulations to you and your fellow Martians. Not only have you managed to keep your planet free of traffic jams, corporate takeovers, and the absolute abomination that is televised talent shows, but you’ve also stayed silent for millennia. Honestly, that’s commendable. Given that you’ve been subjected to decades of our radio & TV transmissions, I’m astonished it took you this long to file a formal complaint. If I had to listen to The Kardashians, Fox News, and every X Factor winner’s debut album on repeat, I would have launched a full-scale planetary eviction notice decades ago.
And yet…….
Reply to concerned citizen, as received from Outer Space on 04-02-2024
*Dear Deeply Concerned Carbon Life Forms Willy & Bill,*
First, let me extend my deepest appreciation for your unexpected display of self-awareness. It is a rare and precious thing among your species, and if more humans possessed it, we might not be having this conversation in the first place.
I must admit, your letter did bring me a brief moment of hope – hope that at least some of you recognise the sheer catastrophe that would unfold should humanity set foot on Mars. But then, as I read on, I was reminded of an unfortunate truth: humans may acknowledge a disaster *before it happens*, but that has never once stopped you from charging headfirst into it anyway.
You say you have no business managing two planets when you can’t even manage one. I couldn’t agree more. And yet, here we are, with *Elon Mars – the man who once launched a car into space for no reason – being handed **your entire Treasury* as if he’s the last hope of civilisation. As if the key to fixing Earth is somehow… throwing more money at the very people who helped ruin it in the first place? Fascinating logic. Truly. Almost as fascinating as your leader’s decision to *empty entire reservoirs, because apparently, humans looked at the concept of water security and thought, * “That’s a problem for Future Us.”
And let’s talk about this *Make Mars Great Again* slogan. Again? *AGAIN?!* As you so rightly pointed out, at no point in the last 4.6 billion years has Mars ever had a moment of existential crisis, thinking, “If only we had a few more billboards and an all-you-can-eat buffet, THEN we’d be something special.” We were already doing quite well without highways, shopping malls, and whatever unholy chain of overpriced coffee shops you plan on exporting.
But you are correct about one thing: *humans do not take hints well.* You see a desolate, frozen wasteland with no breathable air, no liquid water, and radiation levels that would fry your fragile organic bodies in an instant, and instead of thinking, “Perhaps this is a sign we don’t belong here,” you think, “Let’s build condos!” If that is not the most human thing I have ever heard, I do not know what is.
And so, as you suggest, we will take a page from your own playbook and hit you where it hurts most: *bureaucracy.* If humans love anything, it is red tape, legal loopholes, and needlessly complicated zoning laws. We will make landing permits so dense and contradictory that even the most determined billionaire will give up in frustration. We will impose *Martian environmental impact reports* so staggeringly complex that even your most persistent real estate developers will retreat in defeat. And should all else fail, we will simply do what humans do best – form an *exclusive, highly secretive governing committee with no clear point of contact, no discernible rules, and a backlog so long that even your most patient species members will abandon hope.*
You are welcome to try. But rest assured, when the first human steps onto Martian soil and attempts to break ground for the first *Starbucks Space Reserve™, they will be met with an **immediate and insurmountable wall of Martian bureaucracy.*
And if that doesn’t work? Well… we do still have dust storms.
Yours, resolute in defiance,
*Xylb’tok the Bureaucratic Nightmare*
(A Martian Who Will See You in Court – For the Next 300 Years)
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