Our science correspondent has intercepted a letter from outer space, from Mars to be exact, written by a Martian. Our science editor has managed to translate it overnight. We publish it here, unedited, apart from being translated, as contacting the author to discuss any edits has proven difficult.
If our science correspondent recieves any more missives from Mars (which may well happen now we know the frequency this Martian uses for intergalactic correspondence), we will aim to translate the letter and publish it here as well.
We now have two more letters to publish. we had a bit of a problem, as the space cables were damaged (either by ghost space ship, or an errant space Tesla it is thought). This meant the letters came through scrambled, and the Universal Translator had a lot of trouble with them. In the end, we had to borrow the neighbour’s feline overlord and let the kitty walk over the keyboard, as we could not find the right keys to hit or the correct sequence. Of course the feline managed without trouble. So we publish letters 3 and 4 here, with thanks toThalia the feline muse.
On 9 february we received the fifth letter in Xylb’tok’s series. We also received a strange file that we haven’t been able to transcribe yet, attempts are ongoing.
First letter, received 31/01/2025
*Dear Editor,*
I write to you today as a deeply concerned citizen of Mars. Yes, you read that correctly – citizen. While your Earthly scientists continue to label our beloved red planet as “uninhabited” and “barren,” I can assure you that we have been living quite contentedly here for millennia, thank you very much. Which is precisely why we find the latest plans from Mr Musk and his spacefaring chums to be so deeply troubling.
Apparently, the goal is to turn Mars into some sort of second-rate Earth. Atmospheres, cities, even Wi-Fi – oh, the horror! We are already hearing ghastly phrases like terraforming and colonisation, words that send a shudder through our otherwise warm (albeit thin) Martian air. It seems humanity’s insatiable appetite for expansion knows no bounds. Haven’t you made a big enough mess of your own planet? Must you bring traffic jams, reality television, and self-checkout machines to our peaceful world?
And then there’s the slogan – Make Mars Great Again. Again?! Mars has always been great! Pristine landscapes, a lovely dusting of iron oxide, and not a single fast-food chain in sight. If you want to improve something, I suggest starting with your own melting ice caps before meddling with ours.
So please, Mr Musk, Mr Bezos, and all the other intergalactic estate agents – stay put. Mars is doing just fine without you.
Yours sincerely,
*Xylb’tok the Mildly Irritated*
(A Very Happy Martian)
2nd letter, received 3 February 2025
Letter Two
**Dear Editor,**
It seems my last letter was met with amusement rather than the serious concern it was intended to convey. Some even dismissed it as a joke. A *joke*! Let me assure you, the prospect of thousands of Earthlings bumbling about on Mars with their flat-pack habitats and their inexplicable fondness for MaccyDs and Fries is no laughing matter.
I had hoped that my polite request would be enough to dissuade your species from its latest hare-brained scheme. But no—now I see reports of test flights, colonies being “planned,” and even discussions about *Martian governance*. Governance?! On a planet you don’t even live on? Typical. Next, you’ll be trying to impose council tax and parking regulations.
I’m afraid this is where I must draw the line. Mars is *not* your fixer-upper. It does *not* require a billionaire’s vanity project to “improve” it. And we certainly do not need human influencers filming themselves taking their first awkward, gravity-defying steps while saying, “Hey guys, don’t forget to like and subscribe!”
I’ll say it one last time: LEAVE. MARS. ALONE. If you want a desolate, inhospitable wasteland to ruin, might I suggest an abandoned retail park in Slough?
Yours, increasingly exasperated,
**Xylb’tok the Outraged**
(Still a Very Happy Martian—*for now*.)
Letter Three
Received 6 February 2025
**Dear Editor,**
I see that despite my increasingly firm objections, your kind simply refuses to listen. Not only do you persist with your ridiculous plans, but now I hear that one of your so-called “visionaries” has practically *appointed himself* ruler of my home. **Elon Mars.** Oh, how very convenient.
I assume he thinks this is terribly clever. That by slapping his name on our planet, he can claim it like some 15th-century explorer planting a flag in stolen land. Well, let me be absolutely clear: *Mars does not belong to Elon, to NASA, to SpaceX, or to any other ambitious primate with a god complex and a rocket fetish.*
Do you have *any idea* what this will do to property values? To traffic? To our peaceful way of life? One minute it’s “just a small colony,” the next, we’ve got a Pret A Manger on every corner and landlords charging astronomical rent for pods the size of a shoebox. And don’t even get me *started* on the environmental impact – have you SEEN what you’ve done to Earth? I wouldn’t trust your species with a garden centre, let alone an entire planet.
So, let me spell this out in terms your lot might understand:
**NO ENTRY. NO VISITORS. NO “ELON MARS.”**
If you’re so desperate to escape your own mess, might I suggest tidying it up first? Start with your oceans. Or your atmosphere. Or, I don’t know, *your social media platforms*?
With absolute fury,
**Xylb’tok the Livid**
(A Martian Who Has Had Quite Enough, Thank You Very Much)
Letter Four
Received 6 February 2025
**Dear Editor,**
Right. That’s it. I have tried diplomacy. I have tried humour. I have even, against my better judgement, attempted to appeal to your species’ baffling sense of logic. But no – your so-called *visionaries* remain determined to turn my peaceful, unspoiled home into a giant intergalactic B&B for billionaires and bored tech bros.
Now I hear talk of *tickets to Mars*. *TICKETS*! As if my planet is some kind of budget holiday destination! What next? Guided bus tours? Gift shops selling “I ♥ Mars” T-shirts? A Starbucks on Olympus Mons? No, no, and absolutely not!
And another thing – if I hear one more human call Mars “the new frontier,” I shall be forced to take drastic action. We Martians are not some historical oversight, waiting patiently to be *discovered* like a remote village without Wi-Fi. We exist, we are quite content, and we would very much like you to *stay away*.
So, I issue this final warning: if just *one* of your little tin-can rockets so much as *touches down* on Martian soil, we *will* respond. I’m not saying how, and I’m not saying when, but let’s just say you might find certain satellites going mysteriously offline. Or perhaps a *small* asteroid inconveniently redirecting itself towards a certain billionaire’s mansion. Accidents happen.
Consider this your last notice. Mars is closed. Forever.
Furiously yours,
**Xylb’tok the Enraged**
(An Increasingly *Unhappy* Martian)
Letter 5
received 09-02-2025
**Dear Editor,**
I must confess, I had hoped to take a brief respite from my ongoing efforts to defend Mars from human intrusion. However, recent events on your planet have forced me to once again put tentacle to paper.
First, let us address the spectacle of *Elon Mars* (as I shall forever call him, no matter how much it infuriates him). I recently witnessed his bizarre salute at the inauguration event – an eerie, awkward gesture reminiscent of one of the many, *many* questionable historical figures your species insists on repeating. Frankly, if I saw one of my own attempting such a salute, I would immediately confiscate their landing privileges and send them for a full brain scan. But on Earth, it seems, this is just another day in the increasingly unhinged reality show you call politics.
And then there’s your *great leader*, Mr Trump. I understand he has been hard at work dismantling something called “DEI” – a system designed to ensure fairness and inclusion among your own kind. An interesting choice, considering the man himself looks as though he’s been badly airbrushed onto your reality in the first place. From what I gather, his strategy for governance appears to involve systematically undoing anything that might make life slightly better for anyone who isn’t himself. A bold approach, to be sure, but not one we would recommend here on Mars. We prefer a system that prioritises community, wisdom, and *not* electing egomaniacs with a tenuous grip on reality.
Meanwhile, I see The Supreme Court has been busy trying to redefine corruption in ways that would make even the shadiest Martian trade federation blush. Quite the achievement, really – your laws now seem to be written with the express purpose of making dishonesty *more* efficient. I suspect if a member of your government were caught red-handed stuffing gold bars into their pockets, the official response would be to simply redefine “gold” as “campaign donations” and move on.
In summary: your planet is on fire (sometimes literally), your so-called leaders are engaged in an elaborate competition to see who can be the most shameless, and yet you *still* think you’re qualified to run Mars.
I will say this one last time: **you are not bringing this nonsense to my planet.**
Stay put. Fix your mess. And for the love of all that is sacred, stop saluting like that.
Utterly exasperated,
**Xylb’tok the Appalled**
(A Martian Who Has Seen Quite Enough, Thank You)
