This letter was received by North West Bylines. It has not gone through a letterbox in a by-election area (yet), but who knows which political party may want to approach Odilla for permission to use it.
Dear Neighbour,
Please excuse this out of theblueletter that I’m sending you. Even though you have no idea who I am and have never heard me talking politics before, with a very important by-election coming up on:
THURSDAY 26TH FEBRUARY
circumstances have forced me to put pen to paper.
PLEASE NOTE This is definitely my real handwriting and has absolutely not been printed by meticulous but also totally incompetent professional printers.My name is Odilia Leonora Rindell III, a wise old woman of 203 (or thereabouts) living on the banks of the River Mersey in a run-down 6-bedroom mansion I’ve owned mortgage free since my husband succumbed to that mysterious illness in the 1850s, an illness I was found totally innocent of causing I might add. I have worked hard, getting up at 4am every day and not finishing work until 6am the next day for nearly 150 years, and now I am watching my country go to the dogs! It breaks my withered old heart.
After lifetimes of voting for sane people I noticed a rather handsome young scallywag called Nigel on I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! As with most of the celebrities on that show he was clearly talentless and I had no idea who he was, but he was sooooo charming and sincere. I hadn’t realised he was the same chap who brought us UKIP then left them, and Brexit before hiding when actual work had to be done. Funny they didn’t mention that… Anyway, I voted for some of the nice boys inbluehe sent into our area.
Friends, they betrayed us!!!!
They are RAISING taxes to the highest level anywhere in England after promising to bring them down! Obviously most of my wealth is hoarded abroad, but it’s the principle of the thing! Why should normal people like us pay taxes for services the entire country relies on? WHY? I wouldn’t dream of using an NHS hospital, and when you have a car as good as a Rolls the potholes just don’t bother you. People should pull their socks up and work for a better class of car.
As for the immigrants… I have never seen so many displaced Londoners in one place before! You can’t understand a word they’re saying, with that bizarre Southern accent of theirs. It’s like living in a foreign country! All those ‘bread rolls’ and ‘baaaaaaths’. Shocking! They have infiltrated our culture and are breeding us out of existence!
And speaking of breeding, while ‘I’m not the greatest believer in women’s issues’, as my old friend Jeffrey used to say, I’m not impressed by this Goodwin fellow telling us all to breed. We’re overrun by the poor as it is! The last thing we need is him encouraging them.
All in all they’re a rather horrendous lot. I feel rather perturbed that I allowed myself to get so distracted by smoke and mirrors that I didn’t really check what I was voting for. DO NOT MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE!
I will be voting for the independent candidate Sir Oggle-Bottom on
THURSDAY 26TH FEBRUARY
and strongly encourage you all to do the same.
For the good of our area, our people, and our country!
Yours proudly patriotically
Odilia
