‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the ‘gram’*,
Not a DM was sliding, not even a spam.
The stockings were hung with aesthetic care,
In hopes that St. Nick’las would soon be there.
The kiddos were nestled, scrolling TikTok in bed,
With visions of influencers dancing in their head.
And me in my Snuggie, sipping oat milk latte,
Had just settled down for a Netflix-binge soirée.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I paused my Spotify playlist to see what’s the matter.
Away to the window I threw up the shade,
Pulled out my phone, hit record for the ‘cade.
The moon on the glow of the LED lights,
Gave off major vibes on this cold winter’s night.
When what to my blue-light-blocked eyes should appear,
But a decked-out sleigh and eight vibin' reindeer.
With a driver so jolly, on-brand, and slick,
I knew in a swipe it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than fiber, his reindeer they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
“Now Dasher, now Dancer, now Prancer and Vixen,
On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall,
Swipe up, let’s boost it, dash away all!”
Like TikTok so trendy going viral so high,
They flew with finesse to the sleigh in the sky.
So up to the rooftop the squadron they zoomed,
With a sleigh full of merch—St. Nicholas loomed.
And then in a moment, I heard on the roof,
The prancing and pawing of each reindeer hoof.
As I put down my phone and turned around quick,
Down the chimney slid Santa, with vibes so slick.
He was decked out in red, from his head to his feet,
His fit was on point—cozy and neat.
A bundle of gifts he had slung on his back,
Giving “holiday haul” energy, about to unpack.
His eyes—how they twinkled, his smile was so sweet,
His cheeks like emojis, his outfit on fleek!
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a smirk,
Like he just finished posting his odd latest quirk.
The stump of a vape he held tight in his teeth,
(Just kidding, it’s candy—relax, there’s no beef).
He had a broad face and a dad-bod physique,
Santa’s self-care game? Supremely unique.
He spoke not a word but went straight to his task,
Filling the stockings—no questions to ask.
Then laying his finger aside of his nose,
He dabbed for the ‘gram, and up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a shout,
“Time to bounce, squad, this is Santa’s signing out!”
But I heard him exclaim, as he soared out of sight,
“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”
*‘gram = instagram
