A Merseyside widow whose husband was initially told his bowel cancer was treatable is sharing her story as part of The Widowed Collective’s new campaign for International Widows Day (23 June). Cath Holland says she and her husband Andy spent months believing treatment was working, only to attend a hospital appointment expecting to discuss life-saving surgery, and instead be told there was nothing more doctors could do.
Cath Holland, 57, from Birkenhead, met Andy in June 1994 and married him just seven months later. Brought together by a shared love of music and books, they built a life filled with laughter and shared experiences, spending more than 25 years together before everything changed two days before Christmas 2017.
A devastating diagnosis just before Christmas
Andy, who was born in Walton in Liverpool, was diagnosed with bowel cancer on 23rd December 2017. Although the news was devastating, doctors initially described the cancer as treatable and the couple threw themselves into treatment with hope and determination.
Radiotherapy and chemotherapy appeared to be working. The primary tumour shrank significantly and scans suggested progress was being made. Even when secondary tumours were discovered in Andy’s liver, treatment continued to show encouraging results and the couple believed surgery would eventually remove the remaining cancer.
Cath said:
It was frightening, of course, but we genuinely believed we were moving in the right direction. Every scan seemed to bring positive news and we thought we were working towards recovery. We knew there would be challenges ahead, but we never imagined where things were actually heading.
Expecting to hear what the next treatment would be
By November 2018, Cath and Andy attended a hospital appointment expecting to discuss the next stage of treatment and a timeline for surgery. Instead, they received devastating news.
Cath said:
We walked into that appointment expecting to talk about operations. We’d spent months focusing on treatment, appointments and scans, always believing we were moving towards a point where the cancer could be removed.
Instead, we were told that closer inspection of the available information meant surgery would not be happening. The consultant explained there was nothing more they could do to cure Andy’s cancer and the only option remaining was palliative care. It felt as though the floor disappeared beneath us, we walked in believing we were discussing the future and walked out knowing we were running out of time.
End of life care in the hospice and at home
Andy was placed under the care of Wirral Hospice St John’s and supported by district nurses as his condition deteriorated. During those final months, Cath says the hospice and medical team helped guide them through difficult conversations about end-of-life care, including a DNAR (Do Not Attempt Resuscitation) decision. Although those discussions were incredibly difficult, Cath says they helped Andy understand his options and make informed decisions about his care.
Cath said,
His GP asked where he would like to die. It’s not a conversation anybody wants to have, but it was strangely empowering because Andy was able to make that choice himself. His answer was immediate, that he wanted to be at home.
A district nurse also took the time to explain why a DNAR was the right decision for Andy. It wasn’t about giving up, it was about avoiding unnecessary pain and distress and making sure his wishes were respected. Looking back, the support we received from the hospice, district nurses, hospital team and GP was incredible. It gave both of us reassurance during an unimaginably difficult time and helped ensure Andy was able to die peacefully at home, exactly as he wanted.
Andy died at home on 16th August 2019 aged 53. Five months later, Cath reached what should have been their silver wedding anniversary. Instead of celebrating 25 years of marriage together, she was facing life alone and trying to navigate a grief that proved far more overwhelming than she had ever imagined.
Cath said:
I expected heartbreak and to be devastated emotionally, but what I didn’t expect was the physical impact grief would have on me. I felt like I’d been hit by a truck, I suffered night terrors, severe anxiety and my memory was so bad for almost a year that I sometimes struggled to remember simple things. Nobody warns you about that side of bereavement. People talk about sadness, but they don’t talk about the way grief can completely overwhelm your body and mind.
Friends don’t know how to respond
As the years passed, Cath says another painful reality emerged. Friends became quieter, invitations became less frequent, and people gradually stopped mentioning Andy’s name.
Cath said:
There’s a theory that people die twice. The first time is when they physically die, and the second is when their name is spoken for the last time. That really resonates with me because as the years pass, fewer people mention Andy. Most people aren’t trying to be hurtful, they think they’re protecting you or avoiding upsetting you, but saying nothing can be the most painful thing of all because it can feel as though the person you loved is slowly disappearing from everybody else’s world.
Cath believes society needs to become far more comfortable talking openly about death, grief and bereavement.
People worry about saying the wrong thing, but saying something is almost always better than saying nothing. Mention their name, share a memory, ask a question. Most widows and widowers want to know that the person they loved still matters to other people too. Pretending somebody never existed is far more painful than having a difficult conversation.
Support disappears but you can’t get back to the old ‘normal’
Widowhood also brought financial pressures, changing friendships and a profound sense of isolation. Cath says she was surprised by how quickly some support disappeared and how many widows and widowers experience the same thing.
Cath said:
I genuinely thought that once I got through the first year I’d somehow be back to normal. Seven years later I know that’s not how grief works. Life does get better and you learn how to carry it, but grief can still arrive completely out of nowhere. A date, a memory or a song can bring everything flooding back in an instant.
Now, almost seven years after losing Andy, Cath is sharing her story as part of The Widowed Collective‘s #WidowedAndForgotten campaign, launched to mark International Widows Day on 23rd June. The campaign highlights the hidden loneliness experienced by many widows and widowers long after the funeral has ended and support from others has faded.
The Widowed Collective helped – they understand
Cath credits The Widowed Collective with helping her connect with people who understand these experiences she’s faced.
The Zoom meetings The Widowed Collective run have been invaluable because you’re talking to people who simply get it. You don’t have to explain why you’re upset years later or why an anniversary can still knock the breath out of you. That understanding can make a huge difference when the rest of the world seems to have moved on.
Natalie Bolton, co-founder of The Widowed Collective, said:
One of the most common experiences we hear about is the feeling that the person who died is gradually being forgotten because people stop talking about them. Through the #WidowedAndForgotten campaign, we want to encourage more open conversations about grief and remind people that remembering, mentioning and talking about loved ones can be one of the greatest gifts we give to those left behind.
The Widowed Collective provides free peer-to-peer support for people who have lost a life partner. Through its online community, practical guidance, events and lived-experience support network, the organisation helps widows and widowers navigate life after loss and find connection with others who understand.
For more information about the #WidowedAndForgotten campaign, or to join The Widowed Collective for free, visit www.TheWidowedCollective.com
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