You see, it was suggested I write an article describing what ‘a day in my shoes’, living in north-west UK was like. I never imagined this would ultimately involve sitting down and reflecting on my experiences so far.
I cannot count the times I have erased everything to start writing again. It has been a challenge because each day for me is an adventure, an opportunity to learn something new and to take new directions. Also, a challenge to refind, redefine and recognise myself amid all this novelty that, although exciting, also raises ambiguous and complex feelings in me every day.
Growing up in Colombia
I’m Mariana, an average 31 year-old Colombian. I grew up in Bogotá, the capital city, where I attended school and university. I grew up alongside my family and friends whom I met in this same city. I have always been fascinated by travel and exploring new countries, cultures, and diverse people. I never had a particular destination in mind, but I remember dreaming of beaches, markets, nature, and everything under the sun.
I loved my grandparents telling me stories of the trips they had made in their youth, and I knew that at some point in my life, I would be able to travel too. Maybe, after graduating university and getting a job, I could do so.
These trips came into my life, but not in the way I imagined. I had fantasised about the trips I wanted to make, but I never thought of the United Kingdom as a destination. However, the trip came into my life more as a rational and, one might say, more adult decision than as a result of fantasies. After I graduated from university and worked for a while in my country, I decided that it was time to do my master’s degree, and that’s where Belfast, Northern Ireland, became a tangible destination in my head.
Conflict and Peace – Colombia and Belfast
With a background in Political Science and Psychology and growing up in Colombia, I became interested in Conflict and Peace Studies. In this context, I chose Belfast, Northern Ireland, for my master’s because, same as my country, they have experienced armed conflict. They have a deep understanding of building peace. Being able to experience not just academia but the reality of a different society like the one in Northern Ireland would allow me to grow my career and develop as a human being.
As previously mentioned, I used to think it was just a ‘grown-up decision’, so I believed I was ready to come and enjoy being the Colombian version of Mariana I had proudly built until then. The one version of myself I thought was prepared to enjoy, until I really faced the adventure. I’ve realised this intensely during this experience, understanding the academic and professional sphere becomes a part of those transformations you experience while away from home in a completely new society.
So, this is a bit of what has changed in me; this is how a day in my shoes ‘or finding my new shoes’ would look like here in the UK.
Culinary differences or simple practicality
Breakfast Colombian style? To be fair, I wish I had done it more back when I was home. To have ready-to-eat arepas (stuffed flatbread), smashed eggs with tomato and onion, and a good homemade coffee. It is true that here you can find Harina Pan (flour) to make your arepas, eggs, and coffee, but it definitely takes more time, something I suddenly feel I lack.
My breakfast in Colombia was an Aloe Vera smoothie that cost me no more than £0.18. It was made with apple, banana, or any other fruit. However, once I arrived in Northern Ireland, I remember paying almost €20 for Aloe Vera, which I bought online because I couldn’t find it in any store nearby. After some time, I found it in an Asian store at a considerably more affordable price, but my habits had already changed.
Nowadays, my mornings start with stretching and functional exercises, showering, and practical oats accompanied by a cup of tea.
Struggles with the language barrier
I chose to start my journey in Belfast, Northern Ireland for good reasons; however, there is one thing I did not consider – the language!
I struggled to understand my lecturer’s accent at university while they were speaking about ‘conflict transformation and social justice’, a topic that I am passionate about and enjoy having conversations about. The teachers were aware of the complexity of their accents and the diverse backgrounds in the classroom.
I remember them saying: “If I’m going too fast, please let me know”.
However, most of my classmates were from the US, Northern Ireland, and the Republic of Ireland, so although they could perceive the different accents, they would not need to ask for clarity. For me, it was a challenge. I even asked myself how I was going to succeed without really understanding.
Worse still, how was I going to be able to ‘be part of the conversation’ if most of the time I was left behind? I could have asked them to go slowly or speak clearly, but trust me, whenever a conversation regarding social justice starts, it is unfair to cut the thread.
The overlooked conflicts – within and without
It’s not that I’m complaining. I chose to go there, study, and take on the challenge. I struggled for a while, particularly during the first academic period. However, now I can recognise both personal and educational achievements. I believe this is possible by identifying not just what could have been improved in the external environment but also within oneself.
In this sense, it was also possible for me to recognise that coming from a different background, and maybe one that represents a third-world country, became a barrier within my academic process. I noticed very little was known about my country, particularly the armed conflict and peacebuilding. This was a surprise for me because, studying for a master’s degree in conflict transformation and social justice, I thought Colombia might be an emblematic case study.
Not just because of the long and complex armed conflict we are still experiencing as a country, but also for the examples of peacebuilding and social justice development, especially from grassroots efforts. I must admit this was a bit frustrating for me, as I felt I had expertise in it, yet I didn’t find many contexts to establish that conversation.
Opportunity to delve into Colombia’s experiences
It was especially noticeable when working on my dissertation, as I realised that the people I thought were the most suitable to guide me through the process didn’t even know the psychosocial approach, which is quite popular in Colombia’s peacebuilding efforts. Additionally, I sensed a certain rigidity when presenting ideas from South America, like the theory of adultcentrism (prejudice or discrimination against young people), which was considered ‘eccentric’, for example.
At the time, it upset me and affected my progress. However, it also became an opportunity to learn about what they wanted to bring to the discussion while reaffirming that, over there in the ‘third world’, we also have valuable things to say.
In this sense, two things happened. On one side, I recognised the developments we’ve made as Latin Americans based on our own experiences, especially as Colombians in peacebuilding at grassroots level. Perhaps in this sense, I would have liked to have had the resources to be stronger and defend my perspectives more. Maybe I was the one who allowed myself to be influenced by prejudices, which I believe may have extended to other areas of my life by that time.
Re-inventing no-one
On the other hand, I realised I needed to focus on learning new things about new contexts that were perhaps discussed more often, even though I didn’t always feel capable of participating. I had to learn how to be a student again, to listen without necessarily needing to comment or have an opinion on what was being discussed.
At that moment, and after having worked in peacebuilding in Colombia, these experiences made me feel like a no-one, somewhat lonely and without a sense of grounding. It was distressing. But with time, I also realised that in being ‘no-one’, I had the chance to reinvent myself beyond the professional, academic, or cultural expectations I had come with.
Perhaps I was an empty glass again, with the opportunity to start filling it up once more, and that it needed to be filled in new ways to embrace new experiences from fresh perspectives daily.
Survival shoes in Belfast
I would be lying if I said that recognising myself as ‘no-one’ within a new culture was easy and that it didn’t impact my ego and confidence, the confidence I had built before coming to the UK, which perhaps allowed me to get here in the first place. This wasn’t an easy process; I was conflicted for a long time, desperate after graduating. Even though everything had gone ‘well in the end’, it hadn’t turned out as I expected, and that experience left me worried about how I would face the working world again, here in the UK.
Despite this, I paid for my graduate visa and started looking for work in my field while still bartending in Belfast.
I felt like the shoes I put on each day were for survival. I started working 40 hours at the bar to make enough money to cover my expenses and debts while at the same time looking for a job in my field.
My daily routine became waking early, doing a short, low-impact workout (some small benefit for my mental health), having breakfast while applying for jobs online, taking a shower and then walking to the bar. I would work for 10 hours and then walk home again, feeling pretty exhausted, only to sleep and repeat the routine the next day. Not even close to what I had dreamed of, right?
Visas, sponsorship and changing the rules
I felt pressure to find a job in my field since it had already been a year without doing so, but I also desperately needed to feel like ‘someone’ again. The pressures started to mount even more as several changes and conditions began to be introduced to the graduate visa, mostly related to the possibility of getting sponsorship in the future.
These changes affected me, not because I want to stay in the UK forever, but because I want to grow my experience, continue exploring and travelling, and leave a bit of me here. The problem was that the regulations started to affect companies and organisations by demanding they pay an average of £39,000 per annum to be able to act as a sponsor.
In many cases this wasn’t feasible, so they would not hire these people in the first place. Or they had to prioritise hiring locals before employing foreigners. This led to some of us assuming that companies would probably reduce hiring foreigners like us, and in a way, we felt that the rules had been changed after we entered the game.
Climbing over the barriers
Everything began to feel a bit dizzying and senseless. I asked myself many times whether it had been worth leaving behind the somewhat stable life I had in my home country to come here. I felt a lot of anxiety. If I had felt insignificant before, I felt it even more at this point. But unlike before, I didn’t see it as an opportunity. I genuinely felt limited and unable to take control of my situation to create a positive change. Adding to that was the physical exhaustion I felt, I have to say, my outlook on life at that time was quite bleak.
However, over time, I realised that even though social and economic barriers did exist and likely wouldn’t go away, it was a matter of perspective. Perhaps I should take advantage of having experienced survival mode for a bit, having saved some money, and look for a different path, maybe completely different from the one I had imagined when I came to the UK from Colombia.
